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Black Friday: The Worst Thing About America

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Thanksgiving is the beautiful day that really kicks off the holiday season for many, and Black Friday is one of the more popular days between Thanksgiving and New Years. Not for me though. For me, Black Friday is the dark area in a season that is otherwise bright and joyous.

Did you know that Black Friday was a securities market panic in the United States in 1869? Did you know it was due to a gold price inflation scheme designed by Jay Gould and James Fisk which was ruined when Ulysses S. Grant became aware of their get-rich plan? No, you didn’t, and neither did I until I Googled it. Why don’t we know the origins of Black Friday? Because Black Friday has become a trap holiday for retailers.

This holiday was created by retail corporations that want to glorify a day of the year to make you get out of your cozy bed after a day of shoveling large proportions of unhealthy food into your belly and shop for things you don’t really need. Like Hallmark glamorized Valentine’s Day, Macy’s and other department stores glorified Black Friday.

Black Friday is probably as close as it gets to the movie The Purge. You’ve got people trampling over each other, fighting, and occasionally, a few deaths, because people are just the absolute worst. The safest place you can be is in your house. On no other holiday will you witness someone getting throat-punched over a bathmat.

The part that really grinds my gears about Black Friday is that it’s no longer a one day thing, but rather a holiday that has taken over the whole damn week. There’s Sale Sunday, Cyber Monday, Take Out Tuesday, We Save Wednesday, Too Soon Thursday, and Black Friday. I may have made up the majority of those, but that’s not the point, damn it. The point is that these overwhelming pre and post-sales do exist and they’ve crossed their boundaries.

More importantly, Black Friday turns people into animals. Civility is thrown out of the window because people are blinded by half-priced TVs. Yeah, you’re saving $200 on a 40-inch flat screen, but how much is your dignity worth to you? You’re viewing yourself as a smart, thrifty shopper, while you become a highlight on the local news’ top story: “Look at all the pathetic poor people!”

They’ve taken over Thanksgiving Day as well. You’ve gone too far, Black Friday. Thursday is for turkey, not for sales, so stop getting between me, juicy turkey, sweet potatoes, buttery corn, and delicious mashed potatoes.

You may call me the Grinch of Black Friday, but I am proud to say I have never participated in a Black Friday 40-yard dash to the big screen TVs or Tickle-Me Elmos, and never plan to. All of those deals will be on the website come Cyber Monday, anyway.

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