Ok, I’ll be honest with you guys. I missed last week’s episode and subsequent Twitter breakdown because I let a guy I was dating make me an early Valentine’s day dinner on Monday. How did that turn out? Notice I WAS seeing him, so it turned out about as well as Nick’s conversation with Vanessa’s dad, who is my new hero. While you’re waiting for Crick’s Dude’s Breakdown of last night’s semi-entertaining episode, check out what Bachelor Twitter had to say:
Just in case anyone forgot what a catch Nick is:
What is this anarchy?! Next thing you know, they’ll be putting rose ceremonies at the end of EVERY episode! Idk if I can live with that kind of chaos!
Apparently Raven’s brother bears a striking resemblance to Seth Green…
Rachel’s dad: “I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.”
Me: “I wonder why Rachel is getting kicked off?” *Takes Nick to church with her* Ohhhhhhhh…
This is a very weirdly specific type casting that is not incorrect.
Listen, I will throw down $70 in drunk Amazon purchases without batting an eyelash, but if you ask me to pay for shipping I will riot.
You know Corinne’s dad told her that card was for emergencies only and they’re going to have a fight next month when the bill comes about whether bribing an unemployed Instagram fame whore to love you counts as an emergency.
Normally I would agree, but in this case I think they deserve each other.
I guess we can cross “acting” off of Nick’s list of potential future careers.
Raven’s brother might be Seth Green, but Corinne’s dad is Jon Lovitz. Maybe we can get a Rat Race casting reunion going here?
You know the Bachelor franchise has given up on Nick when they finally allow people to admit that he’s just an unemployed future Dancing With The Stars contestant. I could not be more thrilled.
Finally!!! The TRUE star of this season makes an appearance. Raquel, you are my spirit animal. Blink twice if you need help. #FreeRaquel
Ok, Raquel’s appearance was everything I wanted and more, except for one missing detail:
WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS MEAL, RAQUEL? WHERE’S THE CHEESE PASTA? #TheBachelor
— Bachelor Burn Book (@bachelorburnbk) February 21, 2017
Vanessa and Vanessa’s family are too good for Nick and they know it and I’m about it.
“Did you ask the other women’s parents for their permission?” Not all heroes wear capes. Can we please give Vanessa’s dad a Nobel Peace Prize?
— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) February 21, 2017
When I found out there would be no rose ceremony YET A-FUCKING-GAIN, I wanted to throw my wine at the TV but then realized #IDrankAllTheThrowingWine. Apparently this was a popular sentiment.
Well, I’m going to go stew in my anger and incoherent rage at my desk. At least Andi will return next week with a cameo to remind us of better times when the star of the show wasn’t a complete awful. Until then, catch up on the Touching Base Bachelor edition podcast and follow me on the Twitter while I live tweet next week’s Bachelor episode..