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Best Random Craigslist Jobs Of The Week: Slinging Bitcoins

Best Random Craigslist Jobs Of The Week: Slinging Bitcoins

Did you do something this weekend, possibly at Saved By The Brunch, that might’ve caused you to get fired had it been on film? Best to start looking for backup jobs now in case you’re ever unexpectedly unemployed.

From Richmond, VA: ARE YOU 18-25 YEARS OLD AND DO YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES?

This could be rephrased as “ARE YOU 18-25 YEARS OLD AND DID YOU ATTEND SAVED BY THE BRUNCH THIS WEEKEND?”

From San Antonio, TX: HUGE OPPORTUNITY!!!! BIG MONEY$$$

Now, this obviously comes off as a multi-level marketing scheme, and sure enough, when you click it, it is.

But what sets this apart is the picture of the guy pitching it to you. Instead of some suave guy wearing a suit telling you about the quick easy income you’ll be making chucking some health drink or makeup all over social media, you’re getting pitched by a drunk couple at a pool hall who could very well just be proposing a three-way.

From Las Vegas, NV: Are you a Pro Closer? We need you!

Not a semi-pro closer. Not an amateur closer. They’re looking for true pro closers and they need them now.

ATTENTION TELEMARKETING PRO’S/CLOSERS

So not only do you have to be a pro closer, you also have to be comfortable being a hated asshole telemarketer.

What would your closing % be?

Great opportunity for a 69 joke.

You need to have:

Logic and common sense

It’s worrisome that they felt the need to include this.

From Las Vegas, NV: Enjoy running all 48 states and earning the highest pay!

At first glance I just assumed Trump had sold off Hawaii and Alaska and then decided he was done being president and it was time to outsource to Craigslist.

From San Antonio, TX: $10.50 to $14.00 per hour seeking Good Workers

I can respect someone who knows how to make a statement with their Craigslist job posting title. They come right out with it. They need “Good Workers.” Not so good workers need not waste their time to apply. They also have some interesting requirements in what determines a good worker:

#4. Must not be on Parlor nor Probation Government rules.

Knowing how to spell “parole,” however, is not required.

From Richmond, VA: Take on the White House ✸ Canvass to Save the Bees

Every single person who’s sent out one of those “Bees are dying at an alarming rate” tweets needs to put up or shut up. Here’s your chance.

From Richmond, VA: Cocaine Users

Start making some good come out of that nice cocaine habit you’ve been working on.

Cocaine users 18-60 years old are invited to see if they qualify for one of our current studies.

Really interested to hear about the psyche of a 60 year old habitual cocaine user.

Job Of The Week

From Dallas, TX: Bitcoin Consultant ~ 1-4K per week

Let’s face it, you don’t know shit about Bitcoin but wish you did. It’s like the most millennial thing ever; you don’t see the baby boomers flaunting their bitcoin savvy all over the place.

With our company you consult with people who contact you and you will be showing them how to double their bitcoins every 90 days. There are many ways to make commission doing this. Bitcoins are not a security or investment. Bitcoins are cryptocurrency that you can use anywhere almost to pay for almost anything.

Let me know how being the dude who drops the word “cryptocurrency” goes for you when you and your boys are having a dick measuring conversation about your jobs. Pretty well, I’d imagine.

A Bitcoin (digital currency) 5 years ago had a value of only 6 cents. Today it’s worth about $1200.00 Think for a minute if you had just 1000 bitcoins just 5 years ago…. You only paid $600, but today you would have 1.3 MILLION dollars.

1000 x 1200 = 1,200,000. Ok nvm I’m not sure I’d consult bitcoins for this guy.

Image via Shutterstock

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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