Whether you’re ready to give your two weeks notice or you just got canned from TheBlaze for being pro-choice, we’ve got Craigslist gigs to fit anyone in the job market.
From Las Vegas, NV: Bilingual Armed Security
Job requirement: can you say “going to shoot you in the fucking face” in Spanish?
From Dallas, TX: Experienced Bather
This is yet another situation where it’s all about how you write the headline. If you read “experienced bather” and your first thought was that you don’t shower enough to qualify for this job, you’re a disgusting human.
If you’re like hopefully 99% of the country, you clicked it because obviously you’re experienced at washing yourself. Then you realized it’s for bathing pets. Which is also enjoyed by some, who then are dissuaded by this part of the job posting:
drug test required
If you’re not taking the stoners to wash dogs then it’s gonna be slim pickings of employees.
From Dallas, TX: DRUG TESTING
Now hear me out on this, because off the bat it doesn’t sound great to be the executioner coming to kill the jobs of dudes with dirty piss. But, if you’re all about jobs for the experience, this is your job.
Yeah you might be staring at penises whizzing into a cup, but you’ll also meet a cast of characters you won’t find in corporate. An old teammate of mine worked as an oilfield drug tester, and in his first six months on the job he was swung at and watched multiple dudes try to run from their test like Usain Bolt in the 100M.
Also you’ll inevitably get that text from a buddy saying “Uh, hey man. How do I pass my drug test?”
From White Settlement, TX: Hood/Lube Tech needed in White Settlement
Just your daily reminder that there is a city in Texas called fucking “White Settlement”
From Houston, TX: Chameleon Cold-Brew seeking energetic brand ambassadors!
Whoever is doing the marketing for this job at Chameleon needs to be fired, because they don’t need to be posting their ads in Houston. Their ideal brand ambassador is sitting in the PGP offices housing cold-brew while he edits this piece. Hey Dave I found you a new #spon & #ad.
From Austin, TX: Love music, fun, and making money? Staff needed call today
If you don’t love one of these three things you’re a fucking sociopath.
Looking for Managers, Asst. Managers, Customer Service, entry-level office staff!
That’s almost every single job in the company. Does anyone actually work here?
From Austin, TX: Are You Tired???
Job Of The Week
From Anchorage, AK: ALASKA FOOTBALL LEAGUE Sales Executives Needed
Woah. First off, why didn’t I know there was a semi-pro Alaska Football League, and why have we not been gambling on it like maniacs for the entirety of the league’s existence? Definitely going to grab an Anchorage Cowboys jersey first chance I get.
The Alaska Football League is looking for Sales Executives (who are self-motivated, enthusiastic, outgoing and willing to make new friends) to visit with local businesses and sell the different AFL corporate packages that are available.
Fans of the song “No New Friends” need not apply.
This job seems to have anything a post-grad deal closer would need: sports and sales. How often do you get the chance to just step right in to be a power player in a football franchise? I’ve browsed a lot of Craigslist lately and Jerry Jones hasn’t been advertising for shit in here. Think about the front office perks.
Role is on a commission basis. Income in unlimited; you will earn 20% of every sale and will receive 2 season passes for every AFL game.
Season passes? For every game??? That’s like a $17 value; they’re basically begging for you to come lead this franchise to glory. Plus living in Alaska for a bit would be baller as hell. .