Just when you thought this season was getting more boring than Raquel’s cheese pasta recipe, everyone’s least favorite Bachelor switched things up on us. Tears were shed, lipstick was eaten, naps were had, and we finally learned Whitney’s name. While you’re waiting for Crick’s Dude’s Breakdown, here’s the best of last night’s fire Bachelor Twitter.
Speaking of Crick, my friend, you are doing things right.
Will, have you not seen this column regarding the proper usage of thicc? Please read and revise accordingly.
Oh my god… Corinne IS Sean Spicer… “YOU said stupid, not me, I’m using YOUR words here!” #MakeAmericaCorinneAgain
#NavigationalIntelligence is the new #EmotionalIntelligence.
Also, fuckboys to women everywhere.
Goddamnit, Nick, way to send home the ONE person on this show that I actually liked.
*Kristina tells Nick literal definition of a sob story about being a starving orphan in Russia* Nick: “I appreciate that.”
Nick’s reaction to the prospect of sexual choking. Also, my reaction to the producers trying to get me to view Nick as a sympathetic protagonist.
Okay, whatever, Nick, you know you’re into being choked, slapped, and possibly wearing women’s underwear. Which I’m sure you will then endorse on Instagram.
Whitney? You mean Whatney…
Text exchange with Carol regarding this band: “Is Sixpence None The Richer a band I should know?” Carol: “Ummmmm no? I think they were before our time…” Don’t worry, everyone, I Googled it. “Sixpence None the Richer (also known as Sixpence) is an American alternative Christian rock band that formed in New Braunfels, Texas, eventually settling in Nashville, Tennessee.” Their most popular song, “Kiss Me,” came out when I was 7.
Showing your age, Crimedog!
You know, I used to think Sean was all abs and no brains (sup?), but I think he’s been hitting shade day at the gym…
Have you guys not heard? Knee-less jeans are all the rage among authentic Wisconsin dairy farmers these days! (PS, Priyanka, you are too beautiful and good for this kind of pandering)
Finally, someone has captured Nick in his true form: lizard person trying to maintain cover as a human man.
Well, team, we’ve thinned out the herd, the producers are restocking saline for Nick’s next round of fake crying to the multiple women he’s dating about the other women he just broke up with, and I’m popping aspirin like candy to ward off this Bachelor-induced wine hangover. I don’t know about you, but this week’s unexpected culling was almost as devastating for me as the #BowlingGreenMassacre. While we wait for next week’s installment and you calculate how many points you need to avoid coming in last in your Bachelor fantasy league, check out the Touching Base podcast on iTunes and SoundCloud. .