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Best Of Bachelor Twitter: Fantasy Suites And Women Tell All

Bachelor

Hey there, Bachelor Nation. Sorry, I just woke up from the three hour nap I took during this last episode, because it was boring AF. However, I still took it upon myself to do the Bachelor Twitter recap because I give the people what they want. This week’s recap is coming to you straight from a lit ski chalet in Aspen where I’m being fancy and identifying hardcore with Vanessa’s plight of getting in and out of hot tubs in single digit weather. Feel free to send condolence pizzas to me in DC when I get back. Now, like Nick and Vanessa, let’s dive right in #punspunspuns.

Tbh, if Raven’s dad and her ex aren’t slamming back a bottle of moonshine together in an effort to forget that she ever appeared on this show, I would be surprised.

No Andrea, they have not, but allow me: What do you call Nick when not even a year of sponsored Crossfit can put muscle on his skinny ass in that ribbed turtleneck? Double ribbed for Raven’s pleasure.

God I hate myself.

Excellent question, Will. Two possible explanations: Either Chris Harrison is the sensitive, caring confidant we all want him to be IRL, or the magic of The Bachelor is all a sham and it was written by a 20-year-old PA. I’m leaning towards the former.

Why do I get the feeling that the entirety of Rachel’s season will be a glorious compilation of the hashtag #ThingsWhitePeopleSay and #StraightWhiteBoysTexting ?

If I’m being honest, I was really rooting for this scenario. #NickEndsUpAlone2017

< Considering that this is the first Fantasy Suites in a while that the contestants have actually admitted they're banging, this is not improbable.

Preach, girl, preach. Olivia gets it. Although, you probably need a shit ton of french fries to fill that enormous mouth.

Interviewer: “Describe Canada in your own words.” Me: “Justin Trudeau, maple syrup, hockey, America’s hat.”

I don’t know what was in that big ass pocket, but I know what wasn’t: interesting conversation. Let’s hope that Nick is better at Dancing With The Stars than he is at dancing away from uncomfortable questions about the future.

…………………. it was right there… just staring at us the entire time…

Apparently the producers and I share the same love of home decor aesthetic. Are the rugs a metaphor for the one about to be pulled out from under Rachel?

30 years from now, an aging but still handsome Chris Harrison feigns surprise as a balding and malnourished looking 60-year-old Nick walks on set, petitioning to woo the latest Bachelorette because she was so unique and special that he knew he had to give it a shot.

And with enough tears to sink a Bachelor yacht, Nick tells our girl Rachel that she has to move on to bigger and better things, to the shock of everyone watching. Now, let’s move on to the Women Tell All portion of the episode which, contrary to Chris Harrison’s perennial assurances of excitement, was one of the most boring in Bachelor history.

Do you see it yet?

How about now?

Ahhhhh there it is. Josephine, girl, I love you, but we are both pasty ass blonde women and you should know better at this point to wear anything in the color family of “vomit” or “goth.” @ me for some lip color recommendations next time.

I’ll admit it, I’m a Corinne convert. At first I did not appreciate her genius, but here I am dying for literally any more footage of her getting drunk and napping. I’m under her spell. ABC, please make this happen.

AMEN. Kristina, you are too good for this franchise. Get out now while you can. But not back to Russia… we don’t know what kind of propaganda they could use your beautiful goodness for.

Honestly, if Nick doesn’t end up alone again this entire boring ass season will have been a complete waste of my time.

Jesus, after enduring that shitshow I feel as exhausted as Nick trying to fuck three different girls three nights in a row. Whew. Time to kick back and relax in the hot tub surrounded by beautiful mountain scenery and cry any time anyone asks me a question not about alcohol. Wait, no, damnit, this franchise has gotten too deep a hold on my psyche. Until next week, which is sure to be a CLIMACTIC finale for Raven (also Vanessa).

For more about this week’s episode of The Bachelor and the “Women Tell All,” check out Touching Base on iTunes and SoundCloud.

Image via Bachelor Twitter

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Quinn Truflais

Formerly known as Queen of The Garbage People. Functional title still stands. Dog owner, whiskey drinker, Star Wars fangirl. #DoingItForTheContent QuinnTruflais@gmail.com

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