In a year filled with commentary about being banned from our college towns, things girls do after graduation, and how our hangovers have turned us into crippled versions of our former selves come Sundays, there were some columns that rose to the top and transcended beyond the beloved regular audience of Post Grad Problems.
“Why are you guys standing in the middle of a field? How did you get that perfect glow around your heads? Why are you sharing an ice cream cone? Why did you make your fiancé wear that gingham shirt from J. Crew that every other guy in the world has? I just fundamentally don’t understand why you’re sitting in a rowboat looking like Tom Sawyer with your jeans rolled up.”
“Forever 21 is selling trashier clothes, and the store which once outfitted me every day for under $400 a year is now beneath me. I’m onto bigger and better things, like spending my entire paycheck at overpriced boutiques where the girls give me champagne while I shop, because fuck it. I’m young. And it’s not like I can shop like this forever.”
“Every day it seems like more things that can be easily debunked as bullshit go viral which makes us as human beings look like complete dumbasses. Information and facts are more readily at your fingertips in the year 2015 than they have ever been, yet we still manage to fall into a propaganda campaign over a simple, overpriced, and basic white girl producing coffee chain.”
“Old Fashioned: Get a load of this guy. I bet you’ve got a fully-stocked bar at your house complete with St. Germain and Campari, don’t you? It’s alright, man. I respect it. I was an early adopter to Mad Men too. Much like you, I could drop a bit of knowledge on you about the design principals of Hans J. Wegner while sitting next to a fire with a Cole Porter album on. And as the night goes on, I’m going to get lazier and lazier muddling the fruit and eventually just start drinking straight bourbon with a shit-ton of melted ice. Because that’s the life we live. Just a couple of modern day Don Drapers and Roger Sterlings.”
“It’s been talked about at length, and I’m not breaking any news here, but my performance as of late has not been up to the standards I’ve set for myself. I take pride in what I’ve been able to do, whether it’s powering through crippling anxiety to make it to brunch, or just maxing out on a week night. Those activities were the cornerstones of my career, and what I’m best known for. Unfortunately, it’s becoming more and more obvious that I just can’t compete at that level any longer.”
“When it came down to it, we were all Ducks. We felt the ebbs and flows that the team went through. We knew who deserved to have the puck in the big situations. We hated any team dressed in black. But whether it was in Minneapolis, LA, or at Eden Hall Academy, the players all had their moments. Some were great, some took a backseat, and some just straight up sucked. Which is why it was completely necessary to set the record straight on which players were the better than the rest.”
“But the secret that every girl knows to be true but pretends isn’t reality is the fact that we, the ‘fairer’ of the sexes, are way, way, way grosser than our XY counterparts. It’s true: girls are disgusting. And every girl reading this is nodding in solidarity and giggling about the fact that she was in on the secret too. And we’re never going to change; we’ll only get grosser. Ask any guy with a live in girlfriend or chick roommate, bro has seen some dark things.”
“You live the ultimate fantasy: bragging about your finance gig, when really you are a bank teller. Showing no shame while spewing inaccurate information as you talk about bond yields to an unknowing bimbo at the bar. It is correct to say the only time you’ve ever been in possession of $5,000 is when you were handed a check that you, in turn, were told to hand to someone else, but no one needs to know that.”
“Blow: We’re talking about Christmas in July, hitting the slopes in August, and shredding gnar on Labor Day weekend. You probably make more money than your friends, because in addition to being a hell of a drug, cocaine is expensive. Your profession? You’re either into finance, because you have to replenish your dopamine with something artificial after you lose some poor SOB’s nest egg, oil and gas, because you’re a landman that works (used to work) 30 hours a week and are wildly overpaid, or law, because you work at a big firm and you work 80 hours a week but make 250 a year.”
“I may be one of the biggest fans of Busch Light on this planet. I will drink the stuff until it kills me. It’s a shame that more bars don’t have it on tap. I would be the guy who walked up to the bar and ordered the stuff proudly. Yes, maybe I am still trying to relive the glory days, but who isn’t?! If you are truly trying to be a cool guy and say that you are not a Busch Light fan, then you are not a person I want to drink with. Don’t lie to yourself. Busch Light is liquid gold.”
“If you get with a voddy soda drinker you’re setting yourself up to get a lot of belligerent texts around midnight every Saturday. Sometimes, they’ll be coherent and just ‘Come over at 1.’ But sometimes they’ll be ‘why don’T u everr want me toooo see youre FrieNds?’ and good luck getting away from that one. Even when she sobers up, seeing that text is going to linger in the back of her mind and even though you aren’t dating, you’re going to fight. Not just a regular fight. No, she is going to cry, and you are going to feel really bad even though you don’t know what you did.”
“There comes a moment in every man’s life when he has to embrace certain lifestyle changes that his younger self would’ve found abhorrent. Going home after just two or three on a weeknight, staying in Friday night so you can max out on Saturday night, and, yes, putting a hybrid in your golf bag and dad golfing the fuck out of the course.”
“Oh, your phone is going off again. Phone call? Alarm going off? Nah. It’s that damn group text firing up again. Almost everyone now has at least one group text with those out of town college or high school friends to keep in touch, enjoy each other’s friendship, and just to talk about random shit. If you don’t, then you need better friends.”
“I don’t have x-ray vision, can’t predict the future, can’t scale buildings in a single bound, and bullets don’t bounce off me — although I do feel invincible at times. I have a superpower, though, and it’s one that I take advantage of regularly. It’s also one I’m sure every person reading this would consider paying a large sum of money for.”
“I hate your decorations. You think you’re the first person to use mason jars as votive holders? Those paper butterflies you made as name cards for everyone – are we sold on those being cool or are we going to regret them in a few years? Asking for you, not me. And this barn. Can we talk about this barn? What happened to the clean country club weddings that our grandparents had? I’ll accept the abundance of Christmas lights everywhere even though it’s mid-July, but that’s just because Drake once talked about how cool ‘Christmas lights in the middle of summer’ are.” .