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Being A Young Parent Isn’t the End Of The World

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Congrats, you’re going to be a parent. Your pullout game is weak. The birth control failed. “I forgot to take my pill.” You got anchor babied. That girl you boned behind the porta-potty at Coachella is knocked up. Regardless of your situation, put down the beer and pick up the diapers, because it’s parenting time. Your first thoughts likely went something like this:

“Fuck.”
“I am an idiot.”
“My life is over.”
“I’ve gotta get a van.”
“Nine months is a long time though, right?”
“Shit, no it’s not.”
*cracks beer*
*lights cig*
*tears*

Glad you got that out of your system. Good news, though: You’re gonna be fine, and your life isn’t gonna suck. Now, is your free time and freedom about to take a hit? Oh yeah. Spur of the moment road trips and nights out are, for the most part, a thing of the past. Is it time to get responsible? Most likely. Better calm down on the day drinking, and you may want to start taking yourself a bit more seriously as an adult going forward. But, while you panic and begin to make adjustments for the big day, take a bit of time to look at the bright side.

1. Being a parent will be the best thing you ever do with your life. Seriously, you’ll never realize how much you can love someone until you have a child. You’ll have this realization when you’re at war with a screaming baby whose shit smells like a cross between roadkill and your college roommate’s old socks. Nothing beats being a parent, plus it gives you a new level of respectability and self-worth that is unmatched. Once pissed on a couch in the middle of a party or drunkenly said something horrible? That’s fine — you’re a good parent now.

2. You’re going to be around for longer in your child’s life, and with luck, so are your parents. It’ll mean a lot to you, and it’ll mean a lot to them. Plus, no one makes a better babysitter than Grandma and Grandpa. The longer you wait to have kids, the closer your parents get to the “sitting in a recliner, watching The Weather Channel, and then calling the whole family to discuss the weather” stage. This decreases their effectiveness and availability as a babysitter.

3. You’ll have your youth and more energy during your child’s life than most parents. Trust me, you’ll need every last bit of energy. You don’t want to be the dad who can’t play catch because of his arthritic shoulder or because he’s tired; you want to be the guy who looks like he could still play. Or at least, you know, look like the guy who wouldn’t die after ten minutes of physical activity.

4. Statistically, you’re more likely to relate to what’s going on with your kids by the time they get to high school and what’s popular. No one was more awkward during your childhood than your friend’s out-of-touch parents. Don’t be that guy who asks your kid and his friends if they’re courting women through the computer.

5. Being a young mom means there’s a much better chance of that baby weight coming off clean and her returning to her previous level of smokeshowness. It’s a plus for men and women if you have a baby young — there’s less of a chance of having a spouse with mom-ass. If you come out of this childbirth single, you’re both still in your attractive prime.

6. That kid is going to be out of the house while you’re still young. How many people in their forties and fifties do you see who have finally accumulated the wealth and means to travel and go have some fun, but have a houseful of children who limit them? It’s a ways in the future, but it’s definitely a benefit.

Regardless, you’ll enjoy being a parent. It’s the greatest job in the world. It sure as hell beats the shitty one you’re at while you read this article. Now get back to work, you fucking slacker. Kids aren’t cheap.

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. Dad humor all day every day.

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