Think of a food you hold near and dear to your heart. The dish you crave on a primal level. Maybe it’s fried chicken. Perhaps it’s fettuccine alfredo. I don’t know what you guys like. Everyone’s got a go-to meal that always satiates them. And bacon, or rather, bacon culture, has ruined all of them.
I can remember a period of time – oh I don’t know before 2008 – where I would see bacon on two occasions, tops. It would show up at breakfast, of course, and then sometimes if I was in a particular mood and I was eating out I would order a cheeseburger with bacon on it. Now? Well now everywhere I go bacon is shoved in my face. Ads on the sides of buses for bacon. The Baconator at Wendy’s. Bacon-wrapped hot dogs. Bacon sweet treats. Bacon-infused vodka in your bloody mary with guess what? A side of fucking bacon. And then you have the assholes who walk around with these ironic t-shirts that say things like “Bacon Is Bae,” “Bacon Over Everything” or “Give Me Bacon Or Give Me Death” and you really get a sense for how awful the internet has become.
Was it the hipsters? Those people in Bushwick who tell themselves that being poor is cool? Was it Guy Fieri and the almighty Food Network? Is the government secretly pushing some bacon agenda on the American public? I need answers because bacon, at it’s best, is simply meh. I could do without it. Blame the Bacon Advocates for me hating bacon. If this little bacon revolution never happened, I’d be alright with this side dish. You don’t like bacon, John? No, I don’t like Bacon Culture. And it’s only getting worse. We are living in an age where people latch on to a particular food, oversaturate the market with it, and then make money off it. You see it with lots of foods. Mac and Cheese. Avocado on literally everything. I get invitations to street events called “Bacon Fest ‘16,” “Bacon Camp,” and “Mac and Cheese Street Fair” on Facebook. These types of people are making me hate foods that I never knew I could hate.
And let’s talk about the elephant in the room because I know everyone is waiting for me to address it. The BLT. This is one of the dumbest sandwiches in existence. You can’t make bacon the primary meat in a sandwich and call it a meal. That’s sacrilege. What, are you out of turkey? Make a goddamn club sandwich like an adult. Have a ham and swiss. Fuck, go crazy and make a capicola and prosciutto. The BLT is a sandwich that someone invented because those were the three ingredients left in their barren refrigerator.
When I look at bacon objectively it just isn’t a food that takes priority for me. Like if you told me to compile a list of ten food items, and those ten items were the only things I could eat for the rest of time, bacon might not crack top twenty. If someone makes me breakfast and there’s a plate of bacon coming off the stove, I might take one piece. It’s okay, but I’m not going to go out and buy a t-shirt proclaiming my love for bacon or start Instagramming pictures of some bacon wrapped dates that I just made. If I’m out at a restaurant and bacon comes as a side, I’ll give that shit to someone at my table. It’s just not a food I like all that much. Give me a side of hashbrowns or grits before a side of bacon. On a fundamental level, I don’t understand how bacon, which before about five years ago was used solely for breakfast purposes became this national phenomenon. “Bacon Mania” is an entry on Wikipedia. Am I the only one who thinks this is insane? It’s enough already. Take your bacon and get the fuck out of my face. .
Image via Shutterstock