Over the past year, I have ventured to Nashville, New Orleans, Chicago, and Nashville again. I have gotten swamp-ass from drinking and immediately sweating out the beers I chugged while riding your hellacious pedal pub in the merciless July heat. I have submitted Venmo payment after Venmo payment for your #SQUAD and #BRIDETRIBE and #POPTHEBUBBLYSHESGETTINGAHUBBY tank tops that are too ostentatious to wear again, even to the gym. I’ve drank out of penis straws and eaten penis cakes and blown penis whistles with nothing but a smile on my face, a drink in my hand, and more cash to shell out for all of it.
But last week, my most recently engaged friend (who had outlined all her wedding festivities long before she had gotten a ring) announced to her bridesmaids over a happy hour planning session that she no longer wanted to do a “simple” bachelorette party in Vegas. Instead, she had decided she wanted us to go to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico.
I almost spit out my drink.
“It’ll be so relaxing!” she exclaimed. “And that way no one will have to worry the whole time about paying for things!” Nevermind that we’ll have to pay for the actual all-inclusive, of course. But no one else seemed to be concerned with such trivial details. Instead, the other bridesmaids were nodding in agreement, all chiming in at once about “what a great idea it was” and “do you think we’d be able to book that place Carrie and the girls went in the Sex and the City movie?!” and “Oh my god, take these nachos away from me, my diet starts yesterday,” while I sat in silence, mentally tallying the expenses and wondering how one goes about cashing in a 401(k).
Ladies, I’m here to tell you a harsh truth: your bachelorette parties are out of control.
Before I sound like some single, bitter, bachelorette scrooge, let me clarify. I am more than happy to stand by you on your big day and celebrate you in all the standard parties that lead up to it. I am well aware that agreeing to be your bridesmaid comes with the implicit agreement to drink and dance and wear whatever attire you tell me to at your “last fling before the ring.” Do I think that should require me to drop a cool $1,600 (upwards if I’m also expected to chip in to pay for your flight/resort package, which is another bachelorette courtesy that’s becoming commonplace) to spend a long weekend in Mexico with your forty-year-old future sister-in-law and your BFF Courtney who I haven’t seen since we all shared a bowl in high school? No, I do not.
Sorry that my attitude matches the black dress I had to buy for your “night on the town before the gown.” I just think we could all use a little more conscientiousness and maybe just a smidge of forethought. It’s your day, but that doesn’t mean you get to tell your friends where you want to go on vacation and demand they pay for it.
I hope that your decision to spend your bridesmaids’ PTO on a Mexican getaway was just a momentary lapse in judgment. I know you’re busy with all things wedding-related, and I know you’re stressed, and I’m sure Mexico sounds great right about now. It does to me too, but on my own prerogative. I want to choose when I get to spend money I don’t have. All I can do is hope that you change your mind (and cross my fingers that your fiancé leaves you before I have to put a payment down on that Cancun villa).
In the meantime, you can find me in front of my laptop, quietly sobbing into a large glass of wine as I frantically search Travelocity for flight deals. Happy wedding. .