There’s no shortage of information on the internet about how deep your pockets have to be in order to throw a lavish wedding. Groomsmen alone have to spend an arm and a leg just to be in the wedding and bachelor(ette) parties are turning into two-thousand dollar weekends. Once you get to the magical day, though, that’s when things really start to add up.
The only thing people will remember about your wedding are the following: the wedding band, the open bar, and how many times the fun was interrupted by people bumbling through their awful speeches. If you can nail those aspects, you’re fine. But people are spending more and more on things they don’t need which is why the average wedding cost is $26,522 (which is somehow down from 2014 when it was $28,202). Maybe it’s because we’re all poor. Or maybe it’s because people are replacing crystal champagne flutes with mason jars. I dunno, I’m just a guy who prefers blacking out in tuxes as opposed to normal clothes.
But once you really start to break things down item by item, you realize how ridiculous it is that the wedding industry is bankrupting our lives before we can even get started on them.
You know, the only part that people actually want to go to, will run you a cool $11,380 which is a total of 43 percent of the wedding costs. Between venues, the bar, the band, rental companies, and caterers, it’s actually amazing people are getting out the door for under twenty grand let alone $12,000. This past wedding season alone, I’ve seen cigar rolling stands, sushi bars, and even an artist painting the entire reception in the middle of the reception. So yeah, things can spiral out of control real fast if you keep signin’ checks.
When you hear the word “engagement,” you immediately think ring. And justifiably so. Traditionally, you’re going to be told that you have to spend three months salary (pre-taxes) on the clear piece of diamond sitting on your fiancee’s hand. The average for an acceptable rock? $5,135. Do you know how many classic Mazda Miatas you can buy for that price? Like, maybe two. And everyone knows two Miatas are way cooler than one engagement ring.
As much as we all hate engagement photos, they’re a necessary evil because they’re now the social norm. You might as well have the same photographer do your wedding too because when it’s all said and done, you’ll be dropping an average of $2,099 for someone to make you do cheesy poses in the middle of your loved ones. But if you’re not spending two-large for overly-edited photos of yourself fake laughing with your sig-o, what are you even doing?
There’s no worse feeling than when you’re absolutely shredding the dance floor and you see a video camera pop up in your face. It’s bad enough that you run the possibility of getting caught attempting to Nae Nae on Snapchat, but photographers these days are pushing for video more than ever now that they know they can net an extra $1,533. After all, $1,500 is a small price to pay for that Vimeo video you get to share on your Facebook. That’s, like, only $25 per like when you break it down.
You know what’s awesome? Spending more money on a ring after buying the first ring. “It’s just metal, though,” you can tell yourself. But combine the two precious metals together for each person getting married and you’re running at a cool $1,725.
As absurd as it is, it’s not rare for both the bride and groom to each have their own wedding cake. People won’t eat it because their sugar intake is allotted for champagne that night, but you can’t put a price on photos of the groom smearing it on the bride’s face. Oh, wait, yes you can. That price is an average of $417.
I’ve told you stories about brides who go off the beaten path with their designer dresses, but not all dresses have to be designer. The average dress in 2016? $1,517. But that’s cool, because the cost per wear really works itself out because you’ll totally wear it more than once.
Ah, those hideous bridesmaids’ dresses. They’re made of a fabric that’s going to make you sweat, they’re going to be a soft color that doesn’t flatter you, and you’ll probably donate it to Goodwill about a year after the ceremony. Luckily, they’re only $133 which is about on par for what it’ll cost the groomsmen to rent their tuxes.
Hey, at least you can register for a bunch of expensive shit you don’t need. That’ll even everything out, right? Right? .