Somewhere between starting a blog, buying a dog with your significant other because you’re not ready to propose, and only being able to go out one night a weekend, something changed. No longer was a late Saturday night filled with dollar pitchers and barside conversations the marquee event of your weekend anymore. Gone are the days of sleeping in until noon, only to wake up and eat a slice of leftover Little Caesars for breakfast that you had ordered on your way home the night before. Nope, things are different.
We’re not mature enough to work out on Saturday and Sunday mornings, but we feel too badly about ourselves if we just loaf around smelling like sweat and booze all morning while watching SportsCenter on loop. It becomes essential that you socialize and feel like a productive member of society. The solution? Brunch.
While simultaneously allowing you to lick the wounds from the night before by way of juice-heavy cocktails, it’s now more acceptable to drink four or five brunch cocktails in place of four or five drinks after the midnight hour. It gives you time to socialize, discuss the night prior, and gossip, only to hug one another after you’ve paid the check and go home for a much-needed champagne-infused nap.
Essentially, it’s a cultural revolution where you’re there to be seen by the rest of the world. Which is why it’s essential to have the perfect crew. Luckily for me, I’m currently taking applications to up the team.
Think you have what it takes? Okay, good. Please forward any and all responses to firstname.lastname@example.org for my review.
What are your names, ages, location, and male/female ratio of the group?
I’m not trying to roll with a bunch of 20-year-old girls discussing Scream Queens, but I’m also not trying to roll with a deep bro pack scheming with the intentions of scheming on girls the entire time. We need a healthy mix here, people. Two dudes looking to meet people in a new city? Let’s roll. A couple girls that just have been recently exiled from your old brunch team because of an awkward breakup? We may have room for you. A happy couple that’s not ready to start a family and still wants to get a little buzz on? Hit me up.
What kind of vibe are you looking for?
There are a few different styles of brunching, and I’m not saying there’s any right answer. You might be the dude sending chug-for-chugs the entire time. You might be the hungover-as-all-hell one Instagramming “Sunglasses and Advil, last night was mad real.” You may solely be an Americano drinker that wants to discuss the Noir Film Festival you went to the night before. Different strokes for different folks.
Me? I’m going to drink anywhere between one to three drinks, order a light fare, and hope that the restaurant stays quiet due to a lack of children in the vicinity. And I’ll probably be worried about knocking over a drink the entire time, because that would be a day-ruiner for me.
What’s your ideal brunch outfit?
I’m going to be unabashedly snobby here, because I don’t want to roll with a bunch of scrubs. If you’re planning on showing in what you wore the night before, this may not be for you. If you’re spending as much time preparing for brunch as you would for a night out, I can accept that. If you’re the athleisure-wearing type who looks like they just worked out even though they’re just trying to be comfortable as hell, I think we’ll get along just fine. After all, elastic waistbands aren’t just for an increase in athletic mobility. They also allow you the opportunity to eat another sausage link or feel puffy from Friday night’s drinking. It’s a beautiful thing.
After all, everyone knows that I’m wearing Patagonia Baggies (maybe toss some joggers over ’em if it’s cold out) and an oversized longsleeve pocket tee. That’s just the life I’m living.
What are you ordering for food?
We’ve all got our staples. I used to be Benedict-exclusive. But unfortunately, my waistline and general health consciousness doesn’t lend itself to eating that much hollandaise sauce on a regular basis.
You might be going with staples — bacon, eggs, side of rye toast. You might be getting a short stack of pancakes topped with a scoop of ice cream (psycho move, by the way). Or, I don’t know, you may be tossing some cracked pepper up top on that avocado toast. I’m not judging. I just want to know what we’ll be working with if I’m still hungry after my meal and you’re too hungover to finish yours.
What’s your drink order?
Bloody Marys and Mimosas used to reign supreme, but that’s not longer the case. It’s evolving out there and anything is on the table. Hefeweizen beermosa? Strong choice. Carafe of blood orange mimos? Sure, let’s go halfsies. Screwdriver? I’m going to judge you and think you’re a sneaky alcoholic, but we’ve all got our vices. Brunch is a yuppie safe space and I’m not there to judge anyone at my table (just everyone else around us).
What’s your plan of action if our brunch rezzie gets put into question when part of the group is too hungover to make it?
We all have our moments. While I don’t plan on going into anyone’s apartment to wake them up, I’m not saying I may not need that once in a while. Sometimes it takes the greatness of others to propel the entire group. Don’t be afraid to be great.
What are your intangibles?
You know, the stuff you can’t teach. Me? I can make a fire playlist for the drive to brunch and I can take some fire photos to disperse for those thirsty enough to need an Instagram. My caption game? It’s a work-in-progress, but we’re getting there.
Simply put, I just need to know what’s going to set you apart. The cream rises, guys. Tell me why.
We’re gonna need to see some pics and Instagram handles.
Remember when I said, “I’m going to be unabashedly snobby here, because I don’t want to roll with a bunch of scrubs.”? Yeah, same goes here. I’m not trying to say we’re lookin’ for an exclusively hot crew (yes, I am), but you’ve gotta bring your a-game to the table if you’re trying to be brunch royalty. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Interested? Please forward all inquiries and applications to email@example.com. Your entries will remain anonymous.