As you may or may not have heard, Snapchat is preparing for an IPO valuing the company at $25 billion. This would be the largest IPO since Alibaba in 2014, and is a hefty premium over the $17 billion valuation from its most recent round of private funding. What? Snapchat had a revenue of $60 million in 2015, and expects to be between $250 million and $350 million in revenue in revenue in 2016 and a billion in revenue in 2017. Of course, with all that revenue Snapchat is still losing money and profitability doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen anytime soon, but hey people invested in Twitter, right? Dumpster fire Twitter who can’t even catch a low-level bid from Salesforce. That said, it’s a good time to check in on the Snapchat offices and see how things are going.
CEO: Good morning, Tammy. Did I get any phone calls?
Tammy: Just a few investors calling to make sure you, quote, “Don’t fuck up this IPO.”
CEO: Tell them to go fuck themselves. We’ll be just fine. It’s not like any unprofitable social media stocks are floundering right now.
Tammy: I know, sir.
CEO: Put this sticky note on your desk. “Go fuck yourself.” That’s your answer to any and all phone calls we get. Especially the SEC.
CEO: Hey Ralph – what’s happening, bud? How are our numbers looking?
Ralph: Well, as you know we are hemorrhaging millions of dollars in overhead, but our latest round of investment should last us until the IPO. As long as everything is on schedule, we won’t have to do anything drastic like sell our kidneys.
CEO: Kidneys? Please. We have a bottomless pit of money available in Silicon Valley VC firms, you idiot. What about income?
*Both laugh deep, loud laughs in unison*
Ralph: Once we reach the magic number of $100 million in revenue no one is going to give a shit whether or not we make money.
CEO: *Grins* What bubble? Also don’t fucking swear in the workplace, it’s unprofessional.
CEO: Hey Jim, how are the sales numbers looking for the quarter?
Jim: Well, I just sit back and watch companies pay us millions for ads that no one who uses the app normally even see. Who actually uses the app for the Discover feature anyways?
CEO: Who cares? They’re paying us. Seems like your job is pretty easy. Maybe I’m paying you too much.
CEO: I’m just fucking with you, we have venture capital money! Once the IPO happens you can cash in your shares and get the hell out of here. Now get back to staring at that screen trying to look busy.
CEO: Bob! Billy Bob! Billy Millie Vanilli Bob! How are things going?
Bob: Not bad, sir. I just released a new update for the app. Third one this week.
CEO: Good, good, we need to make it look like we’re actually maintaining the app. Don’t want investors to be suspicious. Silicon Valley is all about appearances, right Bob?
Bob: Yes sir.
CEO: Damn right I am. $25 billion right. How’s traffic looking today?
Bob: The usual. Dick pics and selfies.
CEO: Good, things are going well as usual. Keep releasing updates weekly so people think we care.
Bob: Yes sir.
CEO: If you don’t, God help me I will beat you with your mouse pad.
CEO: FRAN! Why are people not snapping more?!
Fran: I don’t know, sir. We…we already have a large user base and we’re being promoted everywhere. Literally hundreds of millions of people use our app already.
CEO: FRAN! DON’T TALK BACK TO ME. CREATE FAKE ACCOUNTS IF YOU HAVE TO. WE HAVE TO PAY THE BILLS AND I WANT MY $25 BILLION GODDAMMIT.
Fran: Yes sir…I’ll get right on it sir. Do I have a budget for advertising?
CEO: FRAN! Always with the stupid questions. You’ve never had a budget.
CEO: Steve! What’s up, man? How are your projects going?
Steve: Well I’ve come up with a way to earn more ad revenue by making sure more people see ads. No one uses Discover. Why not place ads about Snapchat stories so more people see them.
CEO: Nonononono fuck that. Okay? Fuck. That. I came up with Discovery you twat and that model is going to get us a billion in revenue next year.
Steve: Forgive me sir, but doesn’t a billion in ad revenue seem a little…optimistic when we only had $60 million in revenue last year?
CEO: Steve, if you want to keep your job you’ll shut the hell up. I’m the brains here. I’m the $25 billion man. How are the new filters coming along?
Steve: Orange Trump face and hair is solid. Hillary’s pantsuit filter is about as ugly as expected. The orange one looks a little like a prison jumpsuit so I guess that still works. The Harambe and Ken Bone filters are going to be major hits. Stoned Bernie voter still needs to be tweaked, though.
CEO: Get on it then. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some numbers to massage for our final round of investment before the IPO. .