It’s opening day and I’m fired up. I woke up this morning, slapped my girlfriend on the ass, and said, “let’s play some ball!” I have a great feeling about my teams this year. Yeah, I said teams because I’m loyal to the Pirates and the Rangers (have been through the bad years too so I’m not some fair-weather fan. Dad’s from the ‘Burgh and I grew up in Dallas). Texas will get bat flipped into the next century by Joey Bats in the ALCS this time and the Pirates will still get bounced in the one-game playoff.
One of the best thing about baseball season starting? All those dingers that are about to be launched into orbit. So to get you guys in the mood for a full 162 game schedule, I’d like to go through some of the best Kent Murphy, coaching legend, videos.
There’s just something so majestic about watching Kent just launch dinger after dinger off of Chucky. Put Kent in this year’s home run derby and he’s a lock for the crown. Dude just rakes. And when he’s not raking, he’s pummeling the pitcher’s ass.
The lineup card is key to any team’s success. Which is why it’s important to always say it out loud so the whole team knows who sucks. And if you can’t fill one out, just draw some big ol’ titties like Kent. It’s actually what I do when I’m taking notes in our HR meetings.
You know who bunts? Losers. Are you a loser? No, you’re not. You’re a man whose presence is felt the moment you walk into a conference room. Interns scour. Management takes notice. And your co-workers stare in awe. Never bunt. Only real men hit dingers.
This video is actually good advice for when you’re arguing about literally anything in life. Getting into an argument at the bar over whose sports team is better? Get down to the core of that man and he’ll be switching uniforms by halftime. Arguing over whether your $50K raise request is a little out there? Use this technique and you might score an extra $10K.
Charging The Mound
This video is a metaphor for those who constantly take crap from their peers. Sometimes it’s okay to stand up for yourself and charge back. Just remember that if you charge when the time isn’t right, you might get pummeled into submission.
Hum that thing in there, baseball is back. Go crack a cold one and pound some dingers..