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An Investigation Into Why The Couple From “Closer” Had To Steal A Mattress

An Investigation Into Why The Couple From "Closer" Had To Steal A Mattress

The Chainsmokers are an enigma the likes of which the music industry has never seen. Their success is based on the idea that the 18-30 year old demographic will listen to music with a catchy hook, a hot beat, and a feature from someone really famous. This isn’t exactly groundbreaking news, though, as music executives have been using this strategy for years to make Scrooge McDuck-levels of money to swim in.

The Chainsmokers churn out hit after hit because they found a recipe that works. Now, the debate rages on about which Chainsmokers song is the best, but for my money, it just doesn’t get any better than “Closer.” It’s the one that catapulted Drew and Alex to otherworldy superstardom, but behind the catchy beat and Halsey hook, there is a question that has been on the minds of many for months: why did this couple steal a mattress from (presumably) a college roommate and leave Boulder, Colorado? Let’s dive in.

Hey, I was doing just fine before I met you
I drink too much and that’s an issue but I’m okay
Hey, you tell your friends it was nice to meet them
But I hope I never see them again

I know it breaks your heart
Moved to the city in a broke down car
And four years, no calls
Now you’re looking pretty in a hotel bar
And I can’t stop
No, I can’t stop

Any pop song worth its salt tells a tale of love lost. “Closer” is no different. Two former lovers broke up during their college years at the University of Colorado at Boulder. It was messy, as most breakups tend to be. What happened to the star-crossed lovers? I have to assume infidelity given that it’s been four years without a single phone call. The two meet in a hotel bar by accident four years after breaking up, and the sordid love affair gets rekindled in a tale as old as time. The location of the hotel is unknown, but back to the mattress.

So baby pull me closer in the backseat of your Rover
That I know you can’t afford
Bite that tattoo on your shoulder
Pull the sheets right off the corner
Of the mattress that you stole
From your roommate back in Boulder
We ain’t ever getting older

The first question we have to answer in this string of lyrics is the Range Rover that the girl is driving. How can she possibly be driving a brand new Range Rover but have to resort to stealing her roommate’s mattress? I’ll tell you how. Daddy dearest.

Here’s how it went down: This girl is a classic trust fund kid. Pretty much everyone who goes to UC-Boulder is. She gets a Range Rover sometime during her four years in college as a birthday present from dad. She racks up massive credit card debt spending frivolously on trips to Vegas, cute purses to stick her dog in, and athleisure apparel from KITH. By the time she’s finished with undergrad, her dad is fed up. He cuts her off, she’s drinking alone in a hotel bar because she doesn’t know what to do and somehow finds her ex-boyfriend down the way also drinking alone. After a few pleasantries and a gross makeout session in the bar, the two begin scheming.

They devise a plan in the hotel to take the Range Rover and start a new life together out in sunny California. They’ll sell the Rover once they hit Santa Monica, and be able to move into a small studio together- but first, they’ve got to run back to the girl’s apartment and gather her things.

While there, they realize that a mattress could cost them dearly, and they make the executive decision to steal the roommates. It’s cold, it’s uncalculated, and it’s spur of the moment. But I can’t blame them. If I got cut off after years of suckling on the family teet, I’d have trouble adjusting to life without a credit card too.

So what happens to the two mattress thieves from Boulder, Colorado?

We ain’t ever getting older
We ain’t ever getting older

They believe that they’ll be 23 forever. Chad, Kyle, Steve, or whatever the hell this bros name is thinks he’ll be able to feed himself and his girlfriend by selling weed to kids on the boardwalk in Santa Monica. Brittany, Meghann, Rachel, or whatever the fuck this basic girl’s name is has never even considered getting a job. She’s got her bachelors degree in communications from UC-Boulder, and that’s more than enough work for a lifetime.

For the sake of word count, let’s assume that these two are named Rachel and Chad. Rachel get’s pregnant, Chad leaves her knowing that he’s not capable of raising a child at 23, and now this poor girl is stuck in a studio apartment with no car, no job, and minus one friend because she just had to steal a mattress. “Closer” is a Shakespearean tragedy, and every club who plays it should be ashamed of themselves. Let’s just hope Rachel can make enough money in Santa Monica before that fatherless baby pops out of her.

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail: jduda10@gmail.com

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