Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, and my fellow Americans: I would like to personally thank you for joining me this evening. I know that after my six years as president of the United States, many of you are aware that I have a taste for the poetics and could honestly cut this hour-long speech into a short and sweet twenty-five minutes. I admit that I do not give most Americans enough credit to see past this ploy, but, with only two years left in office, “great orator” may be the only legitimate thing I could potentially add to my LinkedIn account, so deal with it.
Thank you for your applause, but if you could hold that until the end, my approval rating may not suffer at the hands of those who actually work for a living. The last thing I need tomorrow is more cranky people, so tone that shit down.
I have good news and I have bad news. I will begin with the bad news, because if I lead with the good news, you might forget to hate me.
First thing’s first: you’re poor and you will most likely continue to be poor for the foreseeable future. I’m going to say a lot of words that are going to make you feel hopeful about the situation, but the bottom line is that unless you get a promotion or a real job, life’s going to be really hard for you. I know that as children, you had all kinds of hopes and dreams of what your life was going to be like one day. You probably had dreams of living in a nice two-story home, complete with a furnished basement and a white picket fence, with your dream spouse, 2.5 children, and a gas-guzzling SUV parked out front, because you’ll be damned if you ever catch yourself purchasing a minivan. I’m sure your dreams never included crippling debt and Ramen noodles past the age of twenty-three, but that, my fine people, is the new American dream. It’s like college, but with less fun and more bills. Psych yourself up! It’ll be fine.
Speaking of college, I would like to take this time to announce my plan to make community college free for those willing to attend. As if it isn’t already the cheapest form of education outside of a high school diploma, I plan to make it easier for more people to earn a piece of paper that means absolutely nothing while simultaneously saturating the already flooded job market with more people looking for a job requiring a college diploma. Americans are drowning in hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt, but instead of focusing on solutions for those who were promised a better life with a college education, only to find hopelessness and rejection, I have this to say: y’all shit out of luck. You will be expected to pay hundreds of dollars a month to repay the government for blessing you with the means to afford a college education, all while struggling to land a job in the field you pursued while in college. Most likely, you’ll have to settle for a just above minimum wage job to keep your lights on. Home and small business loans will be harder to come by, simply because you’re so deep in the shit that is student loans. Accountants and banks alike will smell your stank from such a distance that they will roll up the sidewalks the very moment they sense you have made the conscious decision to show up that day. Nobody will look at your application. Everyone will laugh at your credit score. So it has been written and transferred to my teleprompter, and so it will be.
As far as the good news goes, we have this guy going to space for a year! Congrats, Captain Kelly! While the secretary of transportation (who no one has ever heard of) has been announced as the “designated survivor” and will be lucky enough to become president of this, our great nation, in the instance that my security detail finds itself lacking (again) tonight, Captain Kelly is the real winner tonight. Out of the millions of Americans who would most likely rather spend a year alone in space than a year as my constituent, he won the draw. Put that shit on the ‘gram, Kels. Do it for posterity. Do it for America.
My fellow Americans, a brighter future is yours to write, with little to no help from the government, which helped you get this way to begin with. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America. I’m out..