Thank you for applying to Harvard Business School. We have received your resumé, school transcripts, extra-curricular activities, awards, post-MBA career goals, test scores and what your recommenders have to say about you. What else would you like us to know as we consider your candidacy?
Well as you stated, you literally know pretty much everything about me. If you’re still reviewing my application at this point I’m honestly shocked. I’m grossly under-qualified for this program, but who isn’t, amiright? I digress. Back to your question, what else would you like to know about me? Where do I begin?
I took the first job I was offered after I graduated college. I work in a company that really doesn’t add much value to society. Although my resumé looks like I contribute to the company’s mission, I try to avoid work at any cost. To be honest, I didn’t even have my own cubicle until last week, and since moving into it, I haven’t done a single thing other than beat three different versions of Angry Birds. My supervisor grossly overrates the level of difficulty for the work I am assigned. She thinks I’m overworked and stressed because I walk around looking angry all of the time. It really only takes me about two days to finish the week’s work. You would think that since I have so much extra time to produce that the quality of my reports would be outstanding, but in reality, they’re subpar at best. That’s why I avoided mentioning “Time Management Skills” on my resume.
I would consider myself an excellent manager. Although, I don’t actually manage anything besides my own time at work (albeit incredibly inefficiently), I have an outstanding Fantasy Football team. I’m coming into this week 6-2 and I’m projecting another win. Well I’m not projecting it, ESPN is. I’m not good at math. Part of being a good manager is delegation, right? Managing talent displays quality leadership. If I can manage 15 egotistical, fake athletes, imagine my potential to sustain mediocre performance in a middle-tier company. I don’t even check-in in my other league and I’ve been sitting around .500 for most of the season. Besides, if my boss can do it, how hard can it be?
But why do I want to go to business school? I want to start my own company, like any red blooded American. I’m a purebred capitalist at heart. I want to walk into the Shark Tank and strike a deal with Mark Cuban and wink at Barbara Corcoran, but I don’t even know where to start. That’s where you Harvard folks come in. I’m an idea man, I thrive on enthusiasm. I jot down every business idea I have—sometimes at the bar on a napkin. That’s how Southwest Airlines started, so my head’s in the right place, even after 12 beers. Granted some of my ideas are not all that great. For instance, one of my future business plans was a mobile zoo. Imagine that logistics nightmare. But I was smart enough to throw that idea away. That’s good management. Then there was e-Carmony—a dating site that matched people by which cars they drive. Let’s not get into that one, that was a result of the tail end of those 12 beers.
I’m not sure what I’d want the focus of MBA to be. Do you have an area of study something along the lines of “Make a lot of money?” Asking for a friend. I know you guys breed millionaires. I’ve seen the Times Higher Education List Of The United States’ Top 62 Universities For Producing Millionaires. You took the top two slots. You’re crushing it. Teach me to be a millionaire and it’ll make us both look better. We could have something special, Harvard, let’s give this thing a shot.
I want to conclude this pitch to you, admissions board, by continuing my honesty. If you accept me into Harvard, I will not exceed academically. I will be a below average student. To be fair, how can anyone expect to be average when your average GPA is a 3.97? However, I will not only disappoint academically. I will push the standards you hold of a “Harvard gentleman.” I drink inappropriately. Last night, I stole a bike tire. I’m pretty sure that’s against your Code of Conduct. I paid attention during The Social Network. Also, I’m pretty sure that’s against the law.
Look, just let me into your business school. I promise I’ll work really hard. At least, in the two weeks leading up to finals. I promise I’ll try my best to be a shining example of the Harvard Business School in the business community, even though it is more than likely I’ll become a transient train hobo after being buried beneath nearly a quarter of a million dollars worth of student loan debt.
All I’m asking for is a chance.