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An Honest Cover Letter From An Unemployed Person

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To Whom I Hope To Be Sucking Up To One Day,

My name is not important to you right now, and it probably never will be–even if I somehow got this job. I don’t think I am the best candidate for this position, but I am going to exaggerate and stretch the truth about some of my accomplishments so you will at least consider me for this position long enough to read this entire letter.

I went to a college that, regionally, is pretty impressive, but to the rest of the general public, it means nothing. I’m also going to fail to mention that I only spent my last year and a half there. A majority of my college experience was spent at a community college. Also, please note that my GPA was much lower than my BAC for most of those years.

I have been unemployed for seven months, even though my résumé says otherwise. Literally, no one will hire me. I’ve only landed three interviews, one of which was a called-in favor of my father. I was extremely underwhelming in those interviews, probably due to my excessive sweating. I also forgot to brush my teeth before one of those interviews.

I am an early riser, usually getting up around 10:30 a.m., and I begin working hard immediately…after eating three bowls of Cap’n Crunch: Oops All Berries!, watching two or three reruns of “Boy Meets World,” and playing a round of “Call of Duty” online. I can assure you that if I somehow miraculously land this job, I will be on time and ready to work every single day. And if not, at least four or five days a month.

I know my skill set doesn’t really match up with the job description, but I’m at the point where I’m just applying for anything, because let’s be honest–this student loan isn’t going to pay itself. Am I right?

The bottom line is, I am a hard worker, and I will do whatever it takes to get the job done. No, I’m kidding. I will put off my work until the last minute and spend most of my time at the office checking Facebook and playing Minesweeper. I should also note that I will take unacceptable portion sizes whenever food is provided in the break room. Also, I will get that 2:30 feeling at every hour of the day.

My strengths are gossiping and complaining about bosses to coworkers, and my weaknesses are literally everything else.

I really don’t have anything more to add, I just wanted to type a little more to make this cover letter long enough to fill a full page.

Still trying to take up more space.

Thank you for receiving this and not considering me.

Sincerely (because my valediction is generic and unoriginal, like my personality),

Brad Pitt
(I could sign off with any name, because there’s no way you got this far into reading my cover letter.)

“A misquoted phrase that I pulled from Wikipedia, minutes before writing this.” – Winston Churchill or something

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Austin Huff

Austin wears pants every day. He is also the founder of KorkedBats.com.

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