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An Honest Classified Ad For A Job You Can’t Get

Job Growth, Unemployment Rate Both Drop In September

Company:
VistaPointCorp, Inc.

Available to start:
ASAP-Three months from now. Will determine the most inconvenient time for your start date. Expect a call from us approximately two weeks after your student loans have gone into delinquency. If you are not selected for this position after an extensive interview process, we will not inform you until six months after your interview.

Position:
Associate Manager of Sales and Marketing Junior Executive (Entry Level).

Description:
Do you want to make a lot of money, or at least a medium amount of money? Are you someone who wants job security, a foothold in a fast-growing industry, a jumpstart to your career and proper training to give you the skills that literally anyone with a college degree and a full-time job have? Are you still breathing? Then we at VistaPointCorp have quite the job for you!

Responsibilities:
You will wear a lot of hats, but we’ll help you with our immersive one-day training program. Your duties include budgeting, fielding angry phone calls from clients, growing our customer base with limited interaction with prospects, social media management (because you’re young and understand the Facebook), managing spreadsheets, the ability to lift 25 pounds, developing client strategies. In addition to your training, you’ll receive multiple passive aggressive emails a day for several months from superiors and veteran employees, which will help you further understand your responsibilities!

Compensation:
$35,000-$45,000 (against commission, non-exempt, based on experience) per year, plus performance bonuses which you will never achieve even if you work 60 hours a week. You will be eligible for a 3% raise after a 90-day probationary period and then cost-of-living raises on the anniversary of your hire date, which will be significantly lower than actual cost of living increases.

Hours:
8am-6pm, Mon-Fri. Weekend hours can and will be enforced for no reason, whatsoever. It is encouraged (but not required) that new hires spend more than 50 hours a week at the office in their first four years of employment. Spending less than 60 hours a week in the office will result in your superiors judging your work ethic, no matter how efficient you are.

Qualifications:
A carefree, yet highly proactive attitude, a self-starter, someone who can put up with a lot of mental and physical anguish. Someone who can hit the ground running, hurdle various professional and emotional obstacles, endure several empty promises each month, and work on your own without any semblance of support or guidance from management.

Qualifications:
Masters required, Ph.D preferred. 5-7 years experience in a similar atmosphere required or your résumé will be discarded immediately. Those with student loan debt will not be considered. Credit score of over 800 preferred. CPR-AED trained, commercial driver’s license, Principal’s Certification and five letters of recommendation are required for position.

To apply:
Please send all cover letters (800 words or more) and résumés to emailthatnoonechecks@vistapointcorp.net, or mail them to our corporate headquarters where they will be stuffed into a 10-foot tall file cabinet and lost forever like the Ark of the Covenant in “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” No phone calls please, even though we will end up hiring someone who called us several times to make sure we actually looked at their application and CV.

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Jobless_Joe

I'm that guy who says loud things at the lunch table but speaks louder online.

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