I spent four years in college doing everything in my power to destroy my high school athlete body with a wild variety of alcohol and a diet consisting of mostly Little Caesers pizza and Monster Energy. Referring to my figure as a “dad body,” while endearing, would be an insult to hardworking fathers everywhere. I’ve recently been taking large strides to be able to take the stairs without needing a change of clothes halfway through the first flight.
That being said, there are a few things I refuse to give up: multi-hour Netflix binges in bed, throwing in the occasional lipper after a long day, and most importantly, getting incredibly drunk and eating impressive amounts of greasy fast food on the weekend.
Drunk food is an essential part of any poorly balanced diet. Taco Bell has taken another unnecessary attempt at creating the ultimate drunk food, which provides further evidence of its campaign to see how comically unhealthy the chain can make its products before people stop eating there.
Luckily for Taco Bell, it’s going to take a lot more grease, cheese, and MSG to scare me off. Hold on to your sombreros — below is an exhaustive review of the new Taco Bell Sriracha Quesarito.
Last June, Taco Bell released the Quesarito, thus answering the pleas literally nobody was making for a new combination of the same five ingredients. The world’s finest Mexican establishment took it upon itself to combine two full-sized entrees into a single $2 menu item. Before this, you had to spend upward of $10 at your local Chipotle, making every employee dream of a back kitchen that would permit them to spit in your stupid order.
After what I can only imagine was an incredibly successful eight-month run for the Taco Bell Quesarito, the product development team decided to tirelessly reassess the product:
Product Developer 1: “How can we make the Quesarito even better?”
Product Developer 2: “We could give everyone heartburn?”
Product Developer 1: “Bingo”
And thus, the all-new Sriracha Quesarito was born.
On Friday night, I consumed a dangerous number of whiskey and Cokes and decided to try and soak some of it up to take the edge off of Saturday’s inevitable hangover. I went to Taco Bell and ordered two ground beef Sriracha Quesaritos. As I powered through each nacho cheese-filled bite, I felt as if I was staring directly into the eyes of God.
My heart tells me to screw the formalities and boldly claim that this is the greatest drunk food to ever exist. However, I’ve recently received feedback that I make terrible decisions on a fairly regular basis, so I’ve weighed out the pros and cons in a strongly biased attempt at a more objective approach.
In my mind, the essential flavor groups for quality drunk dining include spicy, savory, sweet, and cheesy. Taco Bell managed to combine all of these with surprising subtlety. One would expect a full-flavored bonanza like this to cost a lot, but given Taco Bell’s propensity to substitute ground beef with dog food, this new treat rings up for a respectable $2.50. Arguably the greatest trait which differentiates this item from the competition is its implementation of dual tortillas. The two tortillas provide double the alcohol absorption, while keeping nacho cheese, rice, sauce, and beef well contained and relatively drunk-proof.
When you’re going through the drive thru at 2:30 in the morning, don’t request four orders. The overnight T-Bell employee may say its no problem at all, but you’re going to end up with at least one Quesarito laced with enough hot sauce to put down a fully grown silverback gorilla. Quesarito number two hit the mark harder than it hit my bowels Saturday morning at the gym, but for any of you cowards out there who can’t take the heat, steer clear of this one. Lastly, each Quesarito clocks in at 650 calories, but it’ll be through your system in three hours so that’s more of a moot point.
Chances are, the Food and Drug Administration is going to catch wind soon, so get it while you can..