Trees are blooming, pools are opening, days are warming, birds are singing, the sun is shining, and everyone is getting excited for summer. Along with summer comes less traffic, vacations, and other benefits of schools being on summer break. But the best benefit of summer break? Interns.
Remember the stress of trying to find a summer job? Whether you were carrying golf clubs, waiting tables, or making way too much money while telling other college kids to go sell more knives (me), there’s one summer job that can’t compare: being an intern. Some interns actually get to do job tasks like simple programming, maybe some web design, or marketing and other social media. However, a lot of interns are stuck filing, cleaning, and doing other unnecessary errands. Lucky for us, gone are the days of being an unpaid slave, and here are the days of being a paid slave. The best part of being a postgrad? Hazing the interns. Let’s break down some of the best ways to make a college kid’s summer miserable.
At first thought, you may be thinking of going on coffee runs, organizing stuff for no reason, or maybe grabbing lunch. I want you to think deeper. Send the intern on a coffee run with all the wrong orders and then get mad when they come back. Make them clean out your car. Don’t just have them go pick up lunch; give them a long grocery list, have them go to the store, and make them make everyone lunch when they return to the office. The most important thing is to keep the intern busy, so give them whatever unnecessary task you can think of.
The kids are already going to be shy enough to be surrounded by adults on the daily grind. That is why it is important that you make the first day a living hell for the intern. Put a whoopee cushion in their chair, actually no. Don’t even let them have a chair, make them stand up all day. Make them wear a ridiculous outfit and go get coffee or lunch. Tell them to go to another department to deliver a message or something and make sure that the other department has no idea that they are coming. Last summer we had an intern, and one guy ordered 500 business cards that were just an embarrassing picture of the intern, his name, and phone number. They are scattered all over the building.
Call them “Intern” and nothing else. Never mention their name, never say hello, and don’t even make eye contact. When they walk into a room, do not acknowledge them. When they ask you a question, they must always refer to you as “Sir/Madam” and maybe “Master/Lord” if you’re a true psychopath. If you have multiple interns, number them as if they are marathon runners (and make them run marathons in the parking lot in the July heat too). Do not let the interns converse with each other and lock them in a dark hot room (maybe a basement) where you play miserable songs on repeat all day long while they do pointless tasks. Turn them into mindless robots.
These three categories are the underlying themes needed to haze your interns, but the grand finale is the big kicker. When August rolls around, your interns will be borderline dead. They will be ready to head back to school, so you should send them off in a good way. One last test before they go back to actually enjoying their life. Tell the interns you will be having a going-away dinner at a local restaurant (one where you are friendly with the owner). Act like it’s a big party for them and order drinks, appetizers, and everything else. I’m talking top shelf liquor, crab and lobster, steak, and anything you can imagine. Laugh with the interns and show them you are actually a decent person. They will soon forget the previous months’ hazing and they will trust you and enjoy the night. Then, as soon as their guard is down, flip the tables over and make a huge mess. Scream at all of them like the worthless interns they are and walk out of the restaurant. Since they’ve spent the past few months working for nothing (unpaid internships duh), they will have no money to cover the bill. Your friend who runs the restaurant will make them clean for 10 days straight to cover the cost of your elaborate meal (including the mess you made on the way out). Then they will all be late going back to college and all their friends will think they disappeared. You officially ruined their summer.
Just kidding. Don’t do that. But make sure you have some fun messing with your interns. .
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