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An Analysis Of The Most Absurd Items On Gwyneth Paltrow’s Valentine’s Day Gift Guide

An Analysis Of The Most Absurd Items On Gwyneth Paltrow's Valentine's Day Gift Guide

I have a theory that there are two types of basic women in the world: Chrissy Teigens and Gwyneth Paltrows. I had this realization upon shopping for a cookbook for my girlfriend (I bought her neither) and couldn’t get it out of my head while looking between Chrissy Teigen’s Cravings and Gwyneth Paltrow’s It’s All Good.

Simply put, your Chrissy Teigens of the world spend their weekends pounding buffalo chicken dip while attending parties that end with wine-mouth and tweets that you’ll inevitably delete the next morning. Depending on your lifestyle, yes, your Chrissy Teigens are going to be much more fun to hang out with. Your Gwyneth Paltrows are much, much different. Their weekends range from yoga retreats in Aspen to brewing their own kombucha to educating themselves on holistic medicines. The Girl from Things Girls Do After Graduation, if you will. Her aesthetic bleeds over into her website, Goop, which showcases anything from $1200 throw blankets to $300 anti-aging creams.

This absurdity is currently on full display in her Valentine’s Day Gift Guide, which has some of the most jaw-dropping items one could imagine considering Valentine’s Day is (for all intents and purposes) a made-up holiday.

Cartier Love Bracelet, 4 Diamonds – $10,100

I don’t know anyone who’s dropping $10,000 during the second week of February on a gift, but if I did know someone who was doing such a preposterous act? Well, I’d approach them like Jonah Hill approaches Leo in Wolf explaining that I’ll do anything to work with him and make the money that he makes. Spending $10K on an engagement ring is insane, which makes spending $10K on a Valentine’s Day gift downright inexcusable.

Stay at Las Ventanas Al Paraiso, San Jose Del Cabo – $1,350/Night
Stay in French Polynesia – $2,583/Day (has since been removed)

Touting that the Cabo resort has a “Department of Romance,” I hope that they also have an on-hand accountant to slap you across the face when you show up and explain that you gave this gift for Valentine’s Day. Unless you’re Thomas Crown or an Instagram model pedaling bikinis, there’s no excuse to just be chilling here come February 14th.

Prada Torch – $260 (has since been removed)

This item has since been removed and I’m praying that it’s because it came under scrutiny rather than it selling out. This existed under the “For Couples” section and was intended for a “fun game of hide and seek.” As a former hide and seek expert, I always thought the beauty of the game was that it was free and low-maintenance, whereas buying a fucking $260 torch to find your loved one hiding under the bed screams, “I have a room full of cash like the one Scrooge McDuck had in Duck Tales.”

Sex Dust Sachet Box – $20

If this sex dust has taught us anything, it’s that you don’t have to take out a personal loan for every item on this list. Sex dust, though? Upon seeing this, I had zero clue what it actually was so I investigated further. “Sex Dust™ is a lusty edible formula alchemized to ignite and excite sexy energy in and out of the bedroom,” the site explains. “Add one sachet to 8oz of any hot or cold liquid—it’s especially good with nut milk, water, or tea.” And here I was thinking that you could get away with just eating oysters and drinking champagne (which actually would probably be more expensive).

I’m also well-aware that there’s a “nut milk” joke to be made here but I just turned 30 and feel as though I need to avoid it for maturity purposes.

Lubricated Ultra Thin Condoms, 10 Pack – $14

As one Lil Wayne once said, “Safe sex is great sex so you better wear a latex so you don’t get that ‘I’m late’ text.” Yes, I quoted that from memory which is remarkable considering I heard the song “Bad And Bougie” for the first time just yesterday.

While I appreciate her including condoms on this list, their insufferability comes from what type of condoms these actually are. These are “brilliant, nontoxic .. fair-trade, vegan-friendly, lubricated latex condoms at all.” There’s nothing more infuriating than when you take a girl home and realize you only have regular condoms rather than fair-trade, vegan-friendly condoms.

Energy Clearing Kit – $195

If you know what this actually is simply from the name, kudos. If you don’t, I’m glad you’re a part of the real world. This is aimed to “cleanse your home, work space, other personal sanctuary of an and all negative energy.” It includes a bundle of California white sage, a piece of palo santo (no fucking clue), a smudge bowl (again, no fucking cue), a feather fan (this is just a feather, nothing more), monk oil (no fucking clue), and a shungite stone (no fucking clue). The kit looks like something a 4-year-old would give their mother for Mother’s Day after rummaging through the woods for a couple hours; not something taht will set you back $200 + shipping.

While this only touches on the extent of this absurdity, there are simply too many items to include. As The Independent noted, “this is the website that once included a 24-carat gold vibrator for $15,000 (£10,000) under its list of ‘Not so basic sex toys’,” so we really can’t be shocked at the abomination that this is.

Are you oozing with money and have no shame? Wonderful. Shop the entire list over at goop. Or you can just be a Chrissy Teigen and enjoy some buffalo chicken dip like a normal human.

[via The Independent]

Image via YouTube

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Will deFries

Will deFries (@WilldeFries) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries. Email me at will@grandex.co.

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