If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I’m a dog guy. Give me a dog any day of the week over a human. While others enjoy working the room at a house party, I’m content with petting your dog in a corner while avoiding all other interaction.
When it comes to adopting a dog, there is no wrong choice. I stress the word adoption because they’re family and you don’t own family. You just have to financially support them to the point of sacrificing your own well-being and put aside all of your personal aspirations you might otherwise have if they weren’t in the picture. That’s what family is all about.
Whatever you seek in a canine companion, there’s a breed for you. I refuse to believe there are bad dogs; only bad owners. If you adopt a dog with the wrong intentions in mind and fail to give them the love and affection they so rightly deserves, then I hope you suffer a death similar to that of Ramsey Bolton you bastard you.
The American Kennel Club released their annual list of the most popular dog breeds in the United States.
Here are the top 10 from 2016:
These dogs always seem to have some pep in their step. It’s the type of dog I could pump fake throwing a ball and hide it behind my back multiple times a day while playing fetch and they’d fall for it every time. Playing fetch jokes on a dog, classic.
They also seem to have a knack for chasing a non-existent tail. Keep on fighting that good fight, Boxers.
9) Yorkshire Terrier
I’m not one for dogs that you can carry around in a travel bag, but I can get down with a Yorkie. They’re surprisingly playful and rather cozy to lounge with. In my opinion, you have to go with the short haircut on your Yorkie. Once you start dealing with long, styled hair on a dog that small they become a fashion accessory.
This pocket-sized dog is A-OK with me.
When people first think of a Rottweiler they think of a dog that would be found protecting a junkyard. Also, why are dogs always protecting a junkyard? What is so valuable in a junkyard that we need a dog to watch over? That’s a telltale sign that something fishy is going down in there.
My grandparents had a Rottweiler when I was young with the biggest head that I think I’ve ever seen on dog. It was quite opposing growing up, but when I gave him a chance I was pleasantly surprised with his companionship.
Rottweilers are intimidating at first glance but are loyal as hell to their parents and will protect you – and anything in a junkyard apparently – at all costs.
My first thought when I saw Poodle on this list was the new fad of cross breeding. Everyone and their mother seem to have a mixed breed dog with the word Poodle in it these days.
I was never much of a Poodle fan. I guess I wasn’t really giving them a chance since there are too many assholes out there who treat them like a decorative hedge in their front yard with how they get their hair done.
That’s on me. I blame myself for judging a dog by the cover their owner gave them. There’s obviously a reason Poodles are in such high demand as pure and cross-bred pets; I’m on a mission to find out why now.
6) French Bulldog
The smaller, cuter cousin of the Bulldog.
Frenchies are known for their ears being raised at attention at seemingly all times. Those ears are on alert to make sure they never miss a “good boy” or “good girl” compliment. The French need their egos stroked from time-to-time.
What they lack in stature they make up for with their photogenic qualities. They’re down right adorable, OK.
The Beagle is the master of the sad puppy dog face. There’s something about those big, droopy ears on an otherwise tiny dog that always make you feel guilty.
Even when you know you haven’t done anything wrong, Beagles have the ability to give you one look and make you feel like shit about not giving them enough attention.
No breed receives more pity treats than a Beagle.
Let’s just go ahead and crown the Bulldog as the king/queen of social media. If someone you know owns a bulldog, they’re damn sure to remind you about it on Snapchat, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram and Snapchat.
I have to give credit where credit is due – they look cool in just about any scenario you put them in. While I am highly against playing dress up with any dog, Bulldogs always seem like a willing participant when it comes time for a photoshoot.
It’s frustrating to admit this, but Bulldogs look far better in sunglasses than I do. They don’t even fight it when they’re put on them. The only time I think a Bulldog shrugs off some sort of outfit is when they don’t think it will rack up the likes on social media. Add that to their list of senses.
A Bulldog doing any sort of physical feat will never get old. Watching a Bulldog skateboard is far more exciting than anything you’ll see on the X-Games.
Sure, they drool a lot, but you would too if your parents made you hold a smile for the camera all day long.
3) Golden Retriever
Where do I even begin with Golden Retrievers? They are the Ken and Barbie of dog breeds, with ivy league brains.
Golden Retrievers shine in the sun and are the family fun dog. They look impeccable at all times and steal the show in every Christmas card photo. Forget the baby, everyone is looking at your dog.
For my money, they have the best coat of fur in the game. Name a better flow, you can’t.
Find me someone who doesn’t like Golden Retrievers, and I’ll show you an asshole.
2) German Shepherd
These dogs are the finest German ingenuity the world has ever seen. German Shepherd can do it all. They are a big, powerful breed that gets around like a football free safety.
German Shepherd are as versatile as they come and can learn to do anything they damn well please. It’s only a matter of time until they are running our education system. Would anyone be opposed to a German Shepherd serving as Education Secretary? I damn sure wouldn’t.
There are few dogs that can serve as a protector, professor or punisher – the German Shepherd is all three in one package.
1) Labrador Retriever
A Labrador Retriever is the epitome of man’s best friend. You rarely ever see a lab on a leash. Why is that you ask? Because they are more trustworthy than any human I’ve ever come across.
No dog gets pet more from strangers than a Lab. That’s just a fact. While they are friendly to all that cross their paths, Labs are typically found within a few feet of their parent at all times. It’s a relationship that is deeper than any marriage you’ll ever come across. While significant others might kick you out of the house, a Lab will plop down on you in bed to do everything in its power to keep you home with them.
Labs are eager to play, patient enough to wait in the car, obedient when called upon and known on a name basis in whatever town they live in. Labs are everything we want in a human being and more.
For all of you cat people out there, get off your pretentious high horse and adopt a dog already. As our fore fathers so eloquently put it: Life, liberty and the pursuit of adopting a dog are our God-given rights as an American.
Go out and find yourself a good boy or girl to welcome into your family..
[via American Kennel Club]