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America Thinks Jews Are The Coolest

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Looks like everyone else has finally figured out what I’ve been preaching for years. Don’t ask me how; maybe the repeated reruns of “Seinfeld” and overplaying of “Hold On, We’re Going Home” by notorious ass-eater Drake have finally gotten through to the people’s heads, but it’s official: Jews are finally cool.

According to a new Pew research poll, out of all the major religions, 63% of the 3,217 people polled for this survey had strong, warm, positive feelings about the Jewish people. Jews came in first place with 63%, followed closely by Catholics (62%), Evangelical Christians (61%), and soundly beating out Buddhists (53%), Hindus (50%), and Mormons (48% — dum dum dum dum dum!), with Atheists (41%) and Muslims (40%) rounding out the list.

So, wait a minute. Time out. Let me get this straight. We know that Jews make great boyfriends and we know that being Jewish is fantastic for your résumé apparently, but…you want to tell me that people don’t hate us? For the first time in history, people actually LIKE the Jewish People?

…MAZEL TOV!

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Hevenu Shalom Aleichem, motherfuckers! Let’s get crunk on that Manny Schewitz tonight!

This is more statistically impossible than the miracle of Hanukkah, but I don’t care. I’m happier than the Hebrews after they crossed the Red Sea or my mom when she finds a coupon that expires the next day at the grocery store.

There are some other fun nuggets in this Pew Research poll too. For example, the Evangelical Christians LOVE the Jews, rating them at a whopping 69%, but the Jews don’t really feel the same way, giving them a cold 34%. Historically, Evangelical Christians have always loved the Jewish People; I once read that they consider us the “forerunners” of Christianity or something. It’s nice that someone likes us that much, but we’re just not ready to commit.

Either way, it’s time to celebrate, Hebrews and Shebrews!

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Time to party like it’s 5769!

[via Pew Forum]

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