October 10, 2014
Dear Ms. Bynes,
On behalf of the admissions committee, it is my honor and privilege to share with you that you have been admitted to the core program in psychology at New York University. Congratulations!…is what I would say if I had been smoking PCP for nine consecutive days. Our unanimous decision to reject you from NYU required absolutely zero consideration for the possibility of you ever joining our institution. I also have to wonder if you see the irony behind your decision to pursue psychology as a profession.
Your transcript from the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising in Los Angeles was a first for all of us here in the department of admissions. You sent us a list of classes handwritten in crayons (presumably by you) on the back of a wrinkled People magazine article about your most recent DUI arrest, and in each of which, you received a grade of “Easy ‘A’ ”? Also, you left a bag of cocaine in the envelope along with your “transcript.” Bang-up job, Amanda.
We then had the privilege of reading your essay, titled “Let Me In Or I’ll Sue You All.” This was also written with crayons. However, you were only able to get halfway through the first sentence before getting distracted and drawing different types of noses, all of which had been aggressively marked through with a big, red “X.”
Amanda, do you think we at NYU want to associate our prestigious name with an obvious schizophrenic who has psychopathic tendencies? You should know that we saw the following consecutive “tweets” you sent to your 3.21 million followers. Remember, these are four, consecutive thoughts you had within the same hour.
“What I need help with is looking pretty”
“Help a n***a out and hop off ma d**k”
“I am in love & quite honestly it changed my life”
“My dad was verbally and physically abuse to me as a child”
Although you have been unquestionably rejected by NYU, we would like to offer you a full academic scholarship to attend the School of Ebola Research at our NYU-Liberia campus.
Also, your check for the application fee bounced. You seem to be doing well.
The Entire NYU Department of Admissions.
Editor’s note: This is not real.