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Alternatives To The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

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The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge has proven to be an outstanding, viral movement for raising money to research Lou Gehrig’s disease. If you’re not familiar because you’ve been living in an abandoned car with no Internet access (#PGP) a loose explanation is that participants dump a bucket of ice water on their head, then challenge others to either follow suit within 24 hours, or forfeit by giving a charitable donation to help fight ALS.

Because this system of challenging your peers has worked so well, I think it should be implemented to raise awareness for other important issues plaguing our society, too.

FMBS Big Gulp Challenge

Starbucks is out of control with this Fizzio shit. Charging $3 for a 16-ounce pop? Fuck outta here. The Fizzio Must Be Stopped Big Gulp Challenge can help.

Participants must buy a 99 cent Big Gulp from 7-Eleven and wait outside of a Starbucks. When a customer exits the store carrying a Fizzio, your goal is to approach him or her and yell, “You think you’re better than I am?” Then, dump the Big Gulp on your face and head and follow it up with a Triple H spit spray in that person’s face, combined with a double bicep flex.

NSTBL Caucasian Challenge

We’ve all had that moment when a friend or a loved one says something to the effect of, “I never saw ‘Die Hard,’ ” or “ ‘Roadhouse’? Never heard of it,” or “ ‘Happy Gilmore’ just looks like a stupid Adam Sandler movie. Not for me.” It’s stomach turning.

In this instance, we’ll raise awareness for those who’ve never experienced The Dude with the Never Saw “The Big Lebowski” Caucasian Challenge. Participants must tape themselves pounding nine White Russians while shaking their head in disbelief. After each one, they must say into the camera, “dude?”

Those challenged to follow suit must either watch “The Big Lebowski” in the company of someone who has never screened the film within 24 hours or forfeit by drinking nine White Russians and passing it on.

Why nine? Because that’s how many The Dude consumes. A tenth Caucasian is sadly spilled.

GWCSSAYGT Dick Pic Challenge

You don’t stare at your buddy’s girlfriend’s tits, especially in front of him. It makes everyone feel weird. Unless the one doing the staring is David Lee Roth, it’s insulting. But some men either just have no code of honor, a weak will, or a lack of tits to enjoy on their own personal time. So they stare.

If you have a peeper pal like this, it’s time to raise awareness about respecting the ladies with the Guy Who Can’t Stop Staring At Your Girlfriend’s Tits Dick Pic Challenge. Participants must blow up their big-eyeballed friend’s phone with random dick pics captured from the Internet until he becomes furious due to a family member or coworker glancing at his phone and seeing a thick, meaty wiener on the screen with the message, “Hey stud. U horny?”

This one doesn’t really have any “pass it on”-type qualities. It’s more of a street justice maneuver. Again, for the ladies.

PWSUTPEH Trash Challenge

If you’re not going to bring something to a party, don’t show up. Just stay home. You have to at least bring a bottle of wine, or some booze, or a six-pack. That’s the MINIMUM.

“But I’m only gonna have a beer or two,” you say. So what? Leave the rest. It’s the price of admission for your hosts who have to clean up their house after everyone leaves.

Should someone not comply with party etiquette, raise awareness with the People Who Show Up To Parties Empty-Handed Trash Challenge by dumping all the garbage from the celebration on top of his or her car the next day. Pay a homeless person to sit on it for a few pictures, then post them on Instagram as a shaming device. You’ll help a person on the streets by putting a few bucks in his or her pocket, and this just works toward better experiences at social gatherings everywhere.

RWDRTTPRAHUTLOI Sock Drawer Challenge

Got a Roommate Who Doesn’t Replace The Toilet Paper Roll After He Uses The Last Of It? Wipe your ass with some of his socks. Then put them back in his dresser, nice and folded.

Awareness, you’ve been raised.

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Mike Burns

Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."

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