I want to preface this with saying I have no bitter vendetta against Valentine’s Day. I’ve had some good ones and some bad ones, just like any other day of the year. The “holiday’” itself just confuses me, as its origins don’t match its modern intent.
Saint Valentine was sentenced to death by the Romans (not the Jews) for marrying Christian couples and helping them out in general. His painful execution was carried out on February 14th and his martyrdom somehow became a Hallmark holiday with the average consumer spending $133.91 on his or her loved (or tolerated) one.
I’ve read conflicting reports about how or why we give out cards: one story suggests children threw love notes into his cell before his execution, another explains that he left the jail keeper’s daughter, who he cured of blindness, a note that read “your Valentine.” However, nothing explains the cruelty behind the chocolate and tacky presents–not even the third world children making those teddy bears want them.
Because we’ve all been bombarded with Valentine’s Day paraphernalia and DIY projects on every social media platform, I thought I’d share some alternative suggestions to the preexisting ones. Please bear in mind that all of these pale in comparison to a Tiffany’s box filled with Klonopin, the one gift that shows you truly care.
Conversation Heart Cookies
Martha Stewart Omnimedia is a God amongst men when it comes to content, UX, and print/digital design in general. It’s everything an aging former sorority girl can look to for comfort while downing a bottle of cheap Merlot…because it gives her an excuse to craft with the empty bottle after.
The cookie conversation hearts from their Pinterest board are cute, but would be better suited to #rejectedcandyhearts submissions. Check out the hashtag.
Bags Of “Spare Kisses”
Pro-tip: fill with airplane bottles instead and stencil on the front, “spare hope.”
Message In A Bottle
Aside from being a truly shitty Kevin Costner movie, the “message in a bottle” concept does carry some nice, old-world sentiment. Jazz it up by inserting a greased rag, lighting it, and tossing it in the object of your affection’s new condo he shares with his underage “dancer” girlfriend.
Deck Of Love Cards
During fights, the 52 card pick-up game will have SO much more meaning.
Celebrate the one person who’s always been there for you (yourself) with these adorable straws. While drinking alone is never boring, you can at least break up the monotony by pouring your drink into a proper glass this time (instead of just drink straight out of the bottle). And for the love of God, please don’t use a mason jar unless you’re south of the Mason Dixon line and just shot some squirrels “taunting” you outside your window.