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After Rewatching ‘Toy Story’ As A Dad, Yeah, It’s A Pretty Messed Up Movie

After Rewatching 'Toy Story' As A Dad, Yeah, It's A Pretty Messed Up Movie

Now that my kid has finally reached the age where he can sit through a movie, I’ve started re-experiencing some of the old classics of my youth. While films such as Aladdin and Monsters, Inc. have appealed to my offspring, nothing has resonated and been featured on my TV as much as Toy Story.

The originator of Pixar’s golden touch, the original Toy Story, as well as the two sequels, still hold up as all-timers. However, being an adult and watching it twenty years after my original viewing has offered a different perspective on the movie, and to be honest, some of it is kinda fucked up.

Buzz Is A “Shoot-First, Ask Questions Later” Guy

When Buzz first arrives in Andy’s room, he’s standing on the bed observing his surroundings and taking everything in. Keep in mind, at this point, Buzz believes he’s a Space Ranger armed with a deadly laser on his arm. While getting his bearings, Buzz is suddenly surprised by Woody with a loud “Hello!”

Does Buzz say, “Oh, hello stranger, would you mind letting me know what this place is?” No, instead he aims his laser at him and tries to blow Woody of the face of the goddamn planet. Since he’s a toy, this doesn’t work, but I think it’s lost on the kids watching the movie that Buzz’s first instinct upon meeting someone in an unfamiliar place was to murder them on the spot.

Being A Toy Is Hell On Earth

Andy’s toys are in the golden age. The kid is like, 7 or 8 years old. Loves all those toys. Fast forward a couple years and those things are persona non grata. The ones that aren’t rotting away in a landfill or Romanian orphanage are stuck in the bottom of a long-forgotten toy chest, listening to their owner masturbate into a sock on a nightly basis for the rest of his teen years.

These toys seemingly don’t age, but unless they’re fortunate enough to belong to a family like the Duggar’s with 47 kids, their prime is two years and then spend the rest of their days slowly wasting away, or seeing/hearing horrible things. I don’t know what’s worse. Toys essentially live out the career of Gilbert Arenas, on top of the world for two or three years, then just a mountain of shit for the rest of time.

Andy’s Mom Is A Strong Woman

Toy Story’s adult revelations aren’t all terrible. As a single parent myself, I can appreciate the hell out of Andy’s mom. That woman handles a birthday party of at least ten 7 to 8-year-old BY HERSELF. That’s like herding a pack of meth heads for two hours, all while making sure the baby is taken care of too.

Those parents just dumped their sugar-addicted monsters off for the party on the recently single (Andy’s baby sister can’t be more than eight months old) woman and she commands the birthday party like a champ. Swoon.

Mr. Potato Head Loves Talking Shit

Mr. Potato Head is all about that action without being about that action. The guy leads an uprising against Woody twice without lifting a finger. Judge, jury, executioner. Potato Head takes hearing “Woody pushed Buzz out the window” to “let’s kill this motherfucker” in like thirty seconds. Dude gets Woody tossed out of a moving vehicle even while he’s in pieces on the ground. Impressive.

Woody Is An Asshole

Where do I start with this guy? Yeah, he’s voiced by America’s Dad, Tom Hanks, and yeah he’s our “hero” and the moral compass of the series, but Woody is honestly a huge dickhead for a lot of the movie.

When Buzz shows up and becomes the object of Andy’s interest and affection, Woody resembles the bitter old baby boomer jealous over how much the boss dotes on the ability of the college grad he just hired to use Microsoft Office and fix the printer. Dude was Mr. “Nobody panic about new toys” until he got unseated by a new toy and suddenly became salty curmudgeon who only learned the error of his ways after being trapped in a metaphorical insane asylum with the source of his jealousy.

And just how did this guy “redeem” himself? Condemning poor Sid to a lifetime of nightmares. Yeah, Sid was a little fucked up. I don’t think anyone would point to his behavior of disfiguring and blowing toys up to be positive. But, the dude was living with a lazy bum of a dad and for some reason had a room that resembled the workshop of a mad scientist, so the deck was stacked against him a bit.

Sid was angry, frustrated, and a little misunderstood. Also, the kid had no clue the subjects of his experiments were actually alive.

Woody has the voice of Tom Hanks. All he has to do is approach Sid and say “Hey champ, this is going to come as a shock to you, so sit down, but toys are alive. Yeah, insane, I know. Listen, stop chopping us up and blowing us to high hell. Also, don’t tell anyone or they’ll think you’re crazy.” Boom, problem solved. But nope, instead, Woody orchestrates an ambush of horrors and sends Sid into a spiral that likely ends in meth addiction and years of shock therapy.

Image via YouTube

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. Dad humor all day every day.

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