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Absolut Vodka Is Employing The Douchiest Tactics To Attract Millennial Customers

Absolut Vodka Is Employing The Douchiest Tactics To Attract Millennial Customers

Apparently the thirst for vodka is down with millennials, which is weird considering everyone in college drinks too much of every other alcohol and ends up switching exclusively to vodka-sodas in their mid-20s hoping to trim up. Newsflash: it doesn’t work.

In an effort to counteract this apparent dip in Vodka sales, Absolut has started a new “luxury vodka brand” – Absolut Elyx. Calling your vodka “luxurious” and naming it “Elyx” is so pretentious and douchey that I can’t help but love it despite the fact that I haven’t even tried it yet. But from here on out, it’s double-Elyx-and-sodas with a lime.

The founder of the new brand, Jonas Tahlin, has a house in Hollywood Hills that’s not only his home but an essential playhouse for the brand itself.

Inc. notes that, “The house is also key to Tahlin’s strategy to make pricey vodka attractive to millennials unimpressed by premiums, pretension, and ordering tall, frosted, overpriced bottles of spirits in a club.” You’d think the first thing you’d do if you’re trying to avoid pretension would be removing the phrase “luxury” from how you describe the vodka, but it gets worse. So much worse.

In an effort to show millennials that you don’t have to go to a club with bottle service in order to drink their vodka (which no one can afford anyway), they’ve been throwing parties at this mansion with A-list celebrities. Again, they’re doing this with the intent of getting away from pretension while simultaneously being as pretentious as fucking possible. If throwing exclusive parties with Jay-Z, Beyoncé, and The Chainsmokers in Hollywood isn’t pretentious, you can slap my ass and call me “serf.”

I’m imagining a dude with a solid colored shirt and paisley cuffs (you know, like Cam from Modern Family) who looks like a partied-out Scott Disick just slinging vodka poolside at the Elyx Mansion. Tell me that’s not what you’re imagining either. The article actually describes him as, “approachable, eloquent, and welcoming, something like a Scandinavian Ryan Seacrest with a master’s degree,” which is somehow so much worse than what I had originally envisioned. I bet his Spotify playlists consist of Nordic EDM music that won’t even make it to the states until 2019.

He explains to Inc. how the house benefits the brand while also doing himself zero favors.

“It’s easy to take any luxurious house and flaunt it and be ostentatious, but we’ve tried to create something that has charm and a bit of warmth rather than this clinical and minimalistic white luxury,” Tahlin tells me. “We want people to feel comfortable here and relax.”

In case you’re saying to yourself, “Hey, maybe he’s right,” please go to their Instagram and check out the house he’s referring to. It’s filled with disco balls, pools, and a copper-covered Range Rover that he literally loaned out to Alex Pall of The Chainsmokers. Oh, you’re not flaunting anything or being ostentatious? Yeah, alright, bud.

His flashiness truly has zero bounds when it comes to trying to market the living shit out of this fucking vodka. “For Coachella, he offered celebrities rides to the festival in the Elyx custom copper-plated helicopter,” the article goes on to say (see Emily Ratajkowski above). If you asked me to describe the most pretentious and ostentatious situation possible, I’d probably say, “Oh, I don’t know… celebrities taking rides to Coachella in a copper-plated helicopter?”

This guy is the human version of what Fyre Festival wanted to be, and honestly, I’d just wish he’d own it rather than trying to piss down our loafers and tell us its rain (or Elyx vodka, in this case).

[via Inc.]

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Will

Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at will@grandex.co.

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