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The NYE Hook Up

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Blake Collins opened his eyes slowly as the LED light illuminating his living room seared his retinas. He found himself curled up in the fetal position on his couch wearing only his boxers and, for whatever reason, his pink elephant martini bow tie tied perfectly around his bare neck. The rest of his finery was strewn all over the floor, except for his pants, which were nowhere to be found.

He couldn’t move at all, and his head was pounding like Mike Tyson (in his prime) was using his brain as a heavy bag. When Blake was finally able to move, he literally crawled to his refrigerator and grabbed his Brita pitcher, chugging it like he just spent a week in the desert. As he curled up once again on his kitchen floor, he was finally granted a moment to wonder what the hell happened last night. He located his phone in his jacket pocket to see if he could piece together his evening. His unlocked phone’s screen showed the “rate your Über driver screen” with a time stamp of 6am. He apathetically rated his driver 5 stars because hey, he did get him home alive and he did not get robbed. He had known it was going to be a wild night that night, considering he and his friends had each paid $150 for an open bar, champagne, a free drunk food buffet, a live band, and a plethora of attractive women in evening dresses. It was New Year’s Eve, dammit, totally worth sacrificing your monthly budget for groceries. Anyway, the only text Blake had from that evening was a group text with his friends Jason and Mike, marking a place for them to meet at the NYE ball. Great, no text clues. Time to investigate further. You know, after a nap and a whole pizza.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town…

Amanda Moore squinted her eyes as she awoke in a cocoon of Egyptian cotton sheets and her pink and baby blue comforter. She grabbed her phone and sent a Snapchat of her morning mascara-raccoon-eyes-and-smeared-lipstick face to her best friend Julie, with a look of pain and anguish on her face and the text “the struggle is real.” As she rolled back over she noticed three condom wrappers scattered on her floor and a pink pocket square curiously tied neatly around the door knob. Something weird happened last night. As a preemptive strike against the self loathing that was bound to exist  after what seemed to be the worst kind of one night stand, Amanda decided if she could at least find out who she hooked up with, she might not feel so trashy. As she crawled into her tub and turned on the shower so that her dehydrated, hungover body could start soaking in some water, she started to remember things about the night before. She did kinda recall hooking up with a guy, although it was all still a little blurry, and she felt too close to death to start sleuthing just yet. She dried off, and after chugging three glasses of water, she fell asleep, ignoring a mimosa invite from some friends who had been out of town for New Year’s Eve.

Blake jolted awake around 4:30pm after an in-dream celebration for beating Bill Engvall on Dancing With the Stars. His headache was gone, thank God, and he was finally able to think beyond basic survival instincts. He opened his Über ride receipt and the pickup address belonged to Morningwood Apartment complex across town. “Interesting. I know someone who…no, no, it can’t be her. We haven’t spoken in a year. It’s a huge complex, anyway.” It was time to gather the brain trust via group text.

Blake: What the fuck happened last night?
-32 minutes later-
Jason: No, seriously dude…what the fuck happened last night?
Blake: I was hoping you could tell me who I went home with last night.
Mike: What the fuck happened last night?
Jason: We’re trying to figure that out. All I remember from last night is the girl I was dancing with puking on my shoes after chugging a bottle of champagne.
Mike: Bahaha I saw that. Amateur. Her friend was pretty hot, though.
Blake: Did you go home with her?
Mike: Hell no. I woke up surrounded by Taco Bell wrappers. I win.
Jason: I woke up spooning my neighbor’s dog on my living room floor.
Blake: Well Jason, the bitches do love you.
Jason: Shut the hell up. By the way, did you see that Amanda was at the ball last night?
Blake: Really? I don’t remember seeing her. I haven’t seen her since we broke up.
Mike: Oh, you definitely saw her. You pounded 4 back-to-back scotches when she walked in. Then you sketched out. It was when Jason started dancing with Linda Blair.
Jason: Fuck you, I liked those shoes.

Amanda woke up 5 hours later feeling much, much better. Her curiosity over the mystery guy she brought home from the New Year’s Eve Ball was killing her far beyond simple morning-after regret. She had prepared for the night with no intention of hooking up. She had joined Julie and her boyfriend, Todd, in hopes of some controlled flirting and drunken dancing. Julie’s boyfriend never minded being a cock block. Speaking of which, maybe Julie knew who she hooked up with last night. She opened up her text messages only to see a whole line of texts from Julie asking where she was and if she was okay. Great, on top of feeling trashy after hooking up with some unknown guy, she felt guilty for making her friend worry.

Amanda: Hey! I’m soooo sorry! I didn’t see your texts until just now.
Julie: Well at least your Snapchat this morning let me know you were okay. What happened to you last night? You disappeared right after midnight!
Amanda: I don’t know. I was really hoping you could tell me. I think I hooked up with some guy last night and I’m really freaking out because I don’t know who he was and he wasn’t here this morning. All I know is last night he was wearing a pink pocket square.
Julie: Well you were a little tipsy by the time they started serving champagne and you were dancing with some guy in a tuxedo. But you walked away from him when I brought you champagne.
Amanda: I don’t remember any of that. Do you remember anything else?
Julie: I do remember you trying to hide when you saw Blake and his friends.
Amanda: OMG he was there?
Julie: Yeah and you said it looks like he got dumped by that ugly slut he dated after you. It was awk but really though you were not happy to see him.
Amanda: Oh god how mortifying.
Julie: I’ll ask Todd when he gets home if he saw who you left with last night. I hate to see you worry!
Amanda: Ok thanks!

Night rolled around and Blake and Amanda were sitting alone in their living rooms, still trying to piece together their respective New Year’s Eveses.

Blake: “Ok, so whoever she is, she lives at Morningwood Apartments.”

Amanda: “There were condom wrappers all over my floor this morning.”

Blake: “I’m usually pretty insistent on wearing a condom, so I must have worn one.”

Amanda: “I think I remember him wearing a super cute bow tie that matched his pocket square.”

Blake: “I did wake up wearing my bow tie. Didn’t Amanda used to love when I wore a bow tie? I mean, then again, most girls do.”

Amanda: “I hope I wasn’t too sweaty and gross last night. At least I was wearing my favorite perfume.”

Blake: “My body still smells like perfume. Like, all over my body. I know I recognize that scent. And I found a long brown hair on me this morning…”

Amanda: “I do remember the sex being pretty damn good. In fact, it reminded me a lot of sex with…”

Blake: “Oh…”

Amanda: “Shit.”

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5OClockShadow

"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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