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A Wine Drinker’s Guide To Franzia

Jesus reinvented the game when he turned water into wine. The game was then redefined when we put wine in a plastic bag and packed it into an easy to carry box. The game was forever solidified when we first ripped the bag out of the box and slapped the shit of it. But not all slaps are created equal. With one knee firmly planted on an unmopped hardwood floor, your head pointed toward the heavens, and one hand wildly and viciously swinging rhythmically in an attempt to pop the air bubble sealed inside, it’s never so easy to tell the delicate differences between Franzia flavors. However, any seasoned slapper will tell you straight, not all wine is created equal. That’s why we’re here–Babe Lincoln, the lover of all things happy hour, and Andy Bernard, the best dressed Cornell grad to date. We’re two self-proclaimed Franzia connoisseurs of PGP, and on two separate scales, we will rank the sweet, sugary, alcoholic nectar and determine the Slapper’s Choice Award winner. Feel free to buy all five and score them yourself and send in your submissions, but do keep in mind we won’t read them or care.

Crisp White

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Babe: If reliving your college glory days or drinking until you find it necessary to call your high school ex, crying, and leave him messages about how he was going to be “The One” is in your future, then Crisp White is the wine for you. It tastes like practically nothing and goes down like water, making it the perfect bag to slap until you need someone to hold your hair back. I’ll give this a 10/10, would slap this one for days.

Nard Dog: Poland Spring water has never flowed so smoothly–a ladle dipped into an ice cold spring of mountain water couldn’t quench your thirst quite so swimmingly on a hot summer day. That being said, no self-respecting man can afford a Facebook picture of him slapping white wine. Great grape nectar for closet slapping. 7/10, would slap.

Fruity Red Sangria

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Babe: This could be one of the best kept secrets of the Franzia line. Everything in the title just screams “get drunk outside with a bag of me!” Not only does the name describe a fun time that could potentially end up on a BOMO, but sangria always sounds like a great time. The flavor is as sugary and diabetic-inducing as it sounds, but sink yourself into a box of Fruity Red Sangria and you will not care. Pair it with a Hawaiian shirt for a fun middle-aged dad at a Jimmy Buffett vibe! 9/10, would totally slap at a tailgate.

Nard Dog: Sangria is one of the few drinks that’s socially acceptable to consume in mass quantities all day long, any day of the week. Fruity Red Sangria is one of the few drinks that is completely okay to binge consume by means of sucking it through a plastic nozzle while on one knee. It tastes like grain alcohol met Hi-C, took her out to a nice seafood dinner, got too drunk on the first date, and consummated the relationship. Their bastard child is FRS. 9/10, would slap all day.

Sunset Blush

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Babe: The great part about Sunset Blush is not the taste, but the color. Sure, it tastes like you melted down a pink Ice Pop and mixed it with moscato, making it absolutely delicious, but the color is what really stands out. Your twenties are a pretty depressing time, and any time you can add some brightly colored alcohol into the mix, you’re going to instantly feel better–and more drunk. 7/10, would slap while wearing a formal dress–this will most likely include my wedding.

Nard Dog: The first time I slapped Sunset Blush was like the first time I heard The Beatles. It was also like I had just tried crack. One slap led to another, and soon, I couldn’t get enough. That night I went to bed with the box that once held grapes squeezed by the gods themselves. Sunset Blush is the best I’ve ever had. I didn’t kick it out of bed the next morning. We went out for a three hour brunch. 10/10, would slap until my hand bled.

Chillable Red

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Babe: One of the best components of the Chillable Red is how fancy it makes you feel. While holding red wine, you can easily discuss the “full-bodied nature” and “robust flavors” of the wine and appear to be a functioning adult–but actually you’re chugging full glasses when people look away. It doesn’t really matter that the wine tastes like a 7-11 slushie or that it stains your mouth like a vampire. It’s going to get you drunk at a dinner party and that’s what matters. Giving this one a 6/10 but only because my lips are still stained from this weekend.

Nard Dog: There are only two ways to down Chillable Red. The first, obviously, is slap hard, slap often. The second is to mix 2/3 Chillable Red with 1/3 Sonic Limeade. Be warned, the flavor savor might not be worth looking like a vampire who just went down on a cherry flavored popsicle. Lip stains aside, Nard Dawg loves it. 7/10, would slap.

Chardonnay

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Babe: Much like the Chillable Red, Chardonnay is a great drink choice when you want to appear to be a grown up. You can effortlessly roll off how great of a year this box of ‘Nay is while humble-bragging about all the charity work you tell people you do in your spare time. In terms of flavor, the wine is a little richer, so it’s great to pair with food (two or more lean cuisines) or dessert (an entire sleeve of Girl Scout cookies). You know you can house half a box in a sitting, easily. 5/10, would slap but not without consent.

Nard Dog: As a growing boy, I slapped Chardonnay in my heyday. As a grown boy, I might throw the occasional slap at Chardonnay if it’s the only bag in reach. As someone who’s trying his best to transition to manhood, I am ashamed to slap Chardonnay. I’m not above it, but if I had a box in my fridge, I would slap 5L straight just to get rid of it faster. 3/10, would slap wincingly.

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Babe Lincoln

Babe Lincoln is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems and spends the majority of her time knocking back Franzia and introducing herself as "the female Johnny Manziel."

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