A White Dad From The Burbs Reviews Drake’s “Hotline Bling” Video

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On Monday, Drake released the much anticipated music video to his hot new single, “Hotline Bling.” The video spread like wildfire, because it’s awesome. Let this pretty cool white dad from the burbs review it for you.

My dude Drake just dropped the “Hotline Bling” music video right in our faces and, as we all expected, that shit is on point. The song has been out for a little bit, as most of you know, and it’s total fire. Fire flames. Your boy nearly threw his back out dancing to this joint lol. “Ever since I left the city you…started wearing less and going out more, glasses of champagne out on the dance floor.” Oh man, that’s that shit. Hit ’em with it, Drizzy.

Speaking of dancing, Drake’s dancing in the video is what everyone seems to be talking about, and it’s easy to see why! The guy’s moves are straight out of your bathroom mirror between brushing your teeth and throwing on the PJs. Dance like no one’s watching, my dude! On the real, Drake was killing it.

In a display of awkward, yet self-aware, geriatric-meets-new-school dance moves that screams “new addition to the squad,” Drake stole the hearts of every generation.

Here it is:

The video starts inside a late-night sex chat line office or some shit. It’s full of attractive women wearing blue jeans and white tees. Fine women of all ethnicities lined up and on the phone, just straight talking to pervs, man. Lotta ass in there. LOTTA ass. Especially this one little Latina thing hitting the water cooler. Ay, Mamí!

It then cuts to that dude Aubrey just straight feeling the track inside a brightly-colored box of some sort. Then the first of many dance moves takes over and you ride them all the way to the end. Dude’s got cold ass moves. He goes through several wardrobe changes throughout the video, too, but it’s pretty clear the main attraction is the cashmere turtleneck sweater. Oh man, that thing is fly as hell. A showstopper, for sure. Time to up my sweater game, I guess.

At 1:10 in the video, wearing this dope OVO hoodie that should be arriving at my doorstep in five to seven business days, Drake hits this move that’s basically a palms up head shimmy at the sky that really turns the heat up.

At 1:25, it looks like he’s polishing an invisible bowling ball on his pant leg, but he does it all sexy like. I didn’t even know this move was hot in the streets. Or maybe it wasn’t but it is now because that dude Drake nailed it. So clean.

Quick side note: I’m bout to scoop some Timberlands.

That Latina number with the donk keeps making appearances and you know your boy ain’t mad about that! How she fit all that ass in them pants?

Drake just be chillin on the stairs a little between dancing scenes.

Oh shit, from 2:27 to 2:41, I can’t even describe what’s going on but it’s magical and inspiring and Drake’s dance moves put asses in the seats. Damn, homie. Save some ass for the rest of us. It’s a little uncomfortable but he makes it work!

He then pulls out two cellies for a little dance number. I don’t know the meaning behind this but I bet it’s some real shit. Drake keeps you thinking, man. He’s deep. On the real.

For much of the remaining dancing scenes, Drake pockets his actual cell phones in favor of a single invisible one. Mind blown. It reaches its tipping point at around 3:39 in the video when he does the cell phone talking gesture with his invisible phone in a violent, circular manner. I don’t know who he’s talking to or what it’s about, but you know it’s some real shit.

Aside from some more awesomely awkward dancing to close out the video, that’s pretty much a wrap.

I mentioned earlier that Drake was self-aware of his kind of dorky vibe. He is, he really is, but he’s self-aware like on the low. He’s not going to come right out and acknowledge it, but he’ll give you hints all day long that under that hardened hip-hop facade is just Aubrey from Toronto. And Aubrey a low-key dork.

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