As you may or may not have heard, Snapchat recently turned down a $3 billion cash acquisition offer from Facebook. Facebook was willing to pay $3 billion cash (CASH!) for a 3-year-old company with $0 in sales. I’m appalled at the ridiculousness and stupidity of this entire situation. They are being valued by themselves and others by the number of users they have, commonly referred to in Silicon Valley as “eyeballs,” not by any intelligent revenue model or sales. Can you imagine working for a company that bases its value on “eyeballs,” not sales?
CEO: Good morning, Tammy. Did I get any phone calls?
Tammy: The same ones every day. Two companies trying to buy us for an obscene amount of money and the venture capital firms asking when they will be getting a return on their investment.
CEO: Next time the buyers call, tell them to go fuck themselves unless they increase their offer. Tell the venture capital firms we’re getting close to profitability.
Tammy: I know, sir. The usual. You wrote it on a piece of paper and glued it on my desk.
CEO: That’s great.
CEO: Hey Ralph, what’s happening bud? How are our numbers looking?
Ralph: Well our office expenses and salaries aren’t making a huge dent in that sexy hunk of venture capital cash in the bank.
CEO: Good, good. And what about income?
*Both laugh deep, loud laughs in unison*
CEO: Hey Jim, how are the sales numbers looking for the quarter?
Jim: The usual, big old double bagel. We don’t have a revenue model. The app is free and there are no ads. We do have four billion eyeballs, though.
CEO: If we aren’t getting any sales then what did I hire you for?
CEO: I’m just fucking with you, we have venture capital money! Who gives a fuck about sales? Now get back to staring at that screen trying to look busy.
CEO: Bob! Billy Bob! Billy Millie Vanilli Bob! How are things going?
Bob: Not bad, sir. I fixed a couple of bugs and released the latest performance update for the app. No big deal.
CEO: Great, great, that’s great. How has snap traffic been today?
Bob: About the usual several hundred million, mostly videos of people’s dogs and pictures of average-sized penises.
CEO: BOB! We need more snaps and more users you twat. We need to meet our growth projections.
Bob: I’m sorry sir, but isn’t that marketing’s job?
CEO: Bob, for talking back to me I am going to stand here and watch you eat this wooden pencil. Do it now.
CEO: FRAN! Why are people not snapping more?!
Fran: I don’t know, sir. We…we have a large user base and we’ve been a featured app all over Tech Crunch and the iTunes store. We could try to put some ads out.
CEO: FRAN! I DON’T CARE WHAT THE FUCK YOU DO, BUT IF OUR USER NUMBERS AND SNAP NUMBERS DON’T GO UP WE WON’T BE ABLE TO PAY THE BILLS, AND GOD HELP ME I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A MOUSE PAD. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT WILL TAKE?
Fran: Yes sir…I’ll get right on it sir. Do I have a budget for advertising?
CEO: FRAN! Stop asking questions. You’ve never had a budget. Spend away! It’s venture capital money. I want an update every hour on WHAT THE FUCK you are going to do about this.
R & D
CEO: Steve! What’s up, man? How are your projects going?
Steve: Well I think I figured out how to earn ad revenue off the app without negatively affecting the experience! You see….
CEO: Nonononono fuck that. Okay? Fuck. That. We don’t need a revenue model. What about the projects I actually give a fuck about?
Steve: Sorry, sir. I was able to create a feature to insert the image of a stoned cartoon canary into the background of any snap, as you requested. I was also able to develop a blemish enhancer to make people’s faces look like shit.
CEO: Great, great, everything sounds good. You get the rest of the day off. I have no new ideas for you to work on. Oh, and forget the revenue thing. I don’t want to hear anything about it ever again. No one cares.