Before this evening begins, I’d like to say a few words.
First, I’d like to thank all of you for such a successful turnout for the inaugural Big Head Ball. Sorry about the souvenir caps, should have seen those being a problem from a mile away. We’ll get that right next year.
I can’t begin without thanking Peyton for offering to cater the event. Papa John’s and Budweiser exclusively, so glad to see you’re willing to spend some of that Super Bowl bonus check on your fellow brothers and sisters. Hey Peyton, when you and Eli go to a concert or sporting event together do they sit you with the rest of the people with learning disabilities?
As many of you already know this foundation was established to raise awareness for those who suffer from CHAOS (Clearly Having An Oversized Skull). It’s an obvious condition that affects one in every five Americans, one in two if you’re of Irish descent. Ladies and gentlemen, for too long have we been asked to lean back while a selfie is being taken! For too long have we been forced to buy slim cut suit shirts with 17.5-inch neck openings, rendering us to look like birthday balloons!
And the haircuts! Oh the awful haircuts that come when your head is shaped like a potato. Haircuts on heads this big are almost as bad as Vince’s performance last season on True Detective. I’m kidding, Vinny, I love you! You’re so money baby, go Blackhawks.
Hey speaking of potatoes I’d like to give a quick shout out to Mr. Potato Head standing/sitting in the back next to the bar. Ladies and gentlemen, his whole BODY is his head! I guess when you can blow yourself whenever you want there’s not much to complain about. We know his wife won’t do it! Quick question, does it taste like French fries or vodka?
I hear a couple of groans coming from the table of Jennifers up front. I’m sorry the truth hurts ladies. JLH, when your head cuts off all light meant for your bountiful chest then there’s something definitely wrong. Also, holy shit you’re almost 40 and you look 27. Hey somebody cut off Gardner! She’s newly divorced and trying to stick her hands down Ted Danson’s pants. JGards he’s very publically married, c’mon this is sad. Plus, think about if you had kids, they’d look like Blow Pops.
Hold on a minute is that Danny Zuko?! John, John it’s great to see you out and about. Everybody can’t stop talking about how terrific you’re doing playing a sleazy, effeminate caricature of a working professional on the OJ show. Really dug deep in the bag for that one, didn’t ya Johnny Boy?
Keep it down over there! Hey Alec put your two drinks down for a second and pay attention! Alec does this sound familiar: ABC. A-Alec, B-Baldwin’s, C-Cranium. As in Alec Baldwin’s Cranium is so swollen from decades of whiskey and yoga pussy he’s lost touch with reality! You’re getting too old for this shit, man. Ahhh, Danny, I stole your line, brother. No not like ‘brotha’ brother, like my Big Headed Brother! Go back to hitting on Tyra Banks and enjoy yourself, you old salt.
Look who just showed up everybody, it’s Grandex’s own Will Defries. Will must have been pre-gaming at the TGI Friday’s down the road. Will, you know what it’s like having a massive dome, though, don’t you? Every day brings on the Scaries when the reflection of your head on your medicine cabinet takes up all three mirrors!
Last but certainly not least, I’d like to raise our glasses to the founder himself. When I was just a big headed boy and first saw your massive forehead on the VHS cover of Big at Video Villa I knew that I was no longer alone. You have spent your entire career playing a guy with a big head who happens to be gay, or a child, or mentally deficient like Peyton over there. You truly are an inspiration for all those kids who want more than to just fit their noggins into a batting helmet or sit in front of someone at the movie theater.
Ladies and gentlemen let’s put our hands together for two-time Oscar winner, my personal hero (and potential father) — Mr. Tom Hanks.
(standing O for 45 solid seconds. “We love you Tom!” is yelled out by Ryan Reynolds)
Well enough of my big-headed ramblings, let’s get this party started. We’ve got a cash bar and a little bit later Beavis and Butthead will be coming onstage to give a talk about online bullying.
Enjoy the evening! .
Image via PAN Photo Agency / Shutterstock