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A Timeline Of Your Diet Falling Apart

A Timeline Of Your Diet Falling Apart

Below is a weeklong timeline of the eternal struggle between striving to be the healthiest you, only to be bogged down by your internal laziness and peer pressure of others to loosen up and have some fun.

Monday
Early Morning

“I know I said I’d start eating healthy today, but I just feel terrible. I might drink a hundred cups of coffee today.”

Lunch

“Man, I need a power lunch to get me through this Monday. We really shouldn’t have gone out yesterday, but I honestly felt so shitty after Saturday night that I needed something to distract me from my hangover. I’m definitely not going out this weekend.”

Dinner

“I can’t even stand the thought of cooking something. I know it’s ridiculous to spend $18 to Postmates a burrito from Chipotle, but I rarely do this type of thing anymore so I’m going to live a little. I can’t keep eating like this, though.”

Tuesday
Early Morning

“Okay, I really need to go to the store tonight and stock up on some essentials. With some fresh vegetables and grilled chicken, meal planning should be an absolute breeze.”

Lunch

“I really should’ve packed a lunch today but I haven’t been to the store since last week. All of that lettuce is probably wilted and needs to get thrown away, and those avocados I bought are probably complete mush.”

Dinner

“I could say that I have no idea why I bought this pre-made lasagna from the store, but I know exactly why I did — it looks amazing. Pasta’s healthy, right? Like, look at all these tomatoes. That’s so many vegetables. Besides, the store was packed anyway. No one could justifiably expect me to trudge through the crowd and pick out a bunch of ripe fruits and vegetables. The place was a zoo. I’ll go tomorrow night after I get home from work instead of on my way home from work.”

Wednesday
Early Morning

“Granola bar and coffee for breakfast. Boom, healthy. Look at me go.”

Lunch

“Ah, sure, I guess I’ll go out to lunch with the guys. What else am I supposed to do, sit here and eat this lame peanut butter and jelly at my desk? Everyone knows the best way to get ahead in the office is by having lunch and networking your ass off at all times. I’d be an idiot to not go out to lunch with them at this point.”

Dinner

“Fuck. I’m exhausted. Wednesdays are always tough and that commute home is just a beating. I could go to the store but it’s already 7:15 and by the time I actually get dinner made it’ll be, like, 9. And honestly, 9 is probably when I should be going to bed. I think I still have some leftover pizza in the fridge from the weekend.”

Thursday
Early Morning

“Granola bar and coffee again. Back-to-back days of this is essentially working out. I really should’ve just bit the bullet and gone to the store last night. I’m going to have to either order in for lunch or go out again with the guys.”

Lunch

“Salad bar! It’s like going to the store without having to waste a bunch of time trolling the aisles for everything you want. And if I’m really hungry, I can just get a cup of soup to go with it. Remember to get the ‘lite’ dressing though, because getting regular ranch will pretty much just wipe out the whole idea of eating a salad.”

Dinner

“Okay, I’m just going to the store now. I’ve got the whole list here — spring mix, chicken breasts, onion, tomato, avocado, dressing, 6-pack of something nice, 12-pack of something cheap, and some more Clif Bars for breakfast.”

Friday
Early Morning

“Nice, woke up early to make this salad and now I’m set up for a nice, healthy weekend in. Clif Bar, let’s do this.”

Lunch

“Ugh, going to Chipotle with everyone sounds so good compared to this weak-ass salad. Maybe I can just bring it home and have it for dinner tonight since I’m not going out. Yeah, that’s totally what I’ll do. I hope they didn’t leave without me.”

Dinner

“I can’t believe I’m at happy hour after telling everyone I wasn’t going out this weekend. But it’s fine, I’ll just stay in the rest of the weekend, feel amazing come Monday, hit the gym, and everything will be back on track and fall into place. No biggie. Diet starts Monday.”

Saturday
Early Morning

“Fuck, did I not even answer the door when the Postmates person came at 1 a.m. last night? I hope I can dispute this or something.”

Lunch

“I feel like shit and everyone is going to brunch. I’ll just go get something light, have some water and coffee, and stay in tonight with a movie and maybe some wine to take the edge of the hangover off.”

Dinner

“I barely even drank today. Those two mimosas and beer at brunch weren’t a choice — I needed those. Sure, I’ll go to dinner with everyone but there’s no way I go out after. I’m way too tired from last night.”

Sunday
Early Morning

“Fuck, where’s my phone? I need to call Todd and see what time we got home last night. I can’t believe we had that much to drink at dinner. Ugh, I’ve been eating like shit all weekend. I need to be healthy today and eat the groceries I got on Thursday before they go bad.”

Lunch

“I forgot I had the rest of that lasagna in the fridge. I’ll have that for dinner tonight. I need something hearty, something of substance. But for now, I just need to go to the store and grab a to-go sandwich. I can’t fathom even stomaching anything else and a salad just isn’t going to do it for me.”

Dinner

“This lasagna sucks. I can’t do anything about it now. I’m completely dead and all I want to do is sit on this couch watching HBO. Whatever. There’s absolutely no way I’m going out next weekend. Diet starts tomorrow.”

Image via Shutterstock

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Will deFries

Will deFries (@WilldeFries) is the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries. Writer, Editor, and Content Manager at Post Grad Problems. Email me at will@grandex.co.

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