6:58 – 7:15am: Hit “snooze” on the back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back alarms you’ve set for yourself.
7:16am: Fall back asleep.
8:45am: Wake up in a sweat, leap out of your bed like a pole vaulter and sprint to the bathroom.
8:46 – 8:49am: Shower, but only wash your hair.
8:55am: Put on wrinkled dress shirt, slacks. Hope that your body heat releases the wrinkles.
9:00am: Have a panic attack after getting stuck in rush hour traffic. Consider taking the next exit and booking it to Mexico.
9:30am: Finally arrive at work, sneak in through the back of the building.
9:32am: Somebody brought in bagels for the whole office. Only one stale whole wheat bagel left though, and no cream cheese.
9:33am: Eat dry bagel in shame at your desk as your adrenaline wears off and you begin to realize that the extra hour-and-a-half of sleep you got did you no good.
9:45am: Begin to relax as it seems no one has noticed that you were a half-hour late.
10:00am: Your boss buzzes you at your desk. Have another panic attack.
10:01am: Formulate excuses for being late on the walk to your boss’s office.
10:02am: Settle on “traffic was a mess.”
10:05am: Your boss isn’t buying it. Get lectured on punctuality.
10:15am – Lunch: Overwhelming guilt and anxiety.
12:15 – 1:00pm: Drown your sorrows in a Chili’s Triple Dipper and a margarita. You earned it. You worked out twice last week.
1:30pm: Those southwest egg rolls rejuvenated you, and you turn into a productivity freak.
2:00pm: Your blood sugar levels come crashing down to earth like a shitty paper plane. You consider pulling a Constanza.
2:30 – 3:00pm: Bathroom nap.
3:00 – 4:30pm: Bang out some work and go to the afternoon staff meeting.
4:30 – 5:00pm: Get verbally subtweeted by your boss for a half hour in front of the entire office.
5:15pm: Drive home. Stuck in traffic again.
5:45pm: Finally get home. Arrive to judging eyes from your roommates.
6:00 – 7:15pm: Update your resume and polish your LinkedIn profile, just in case.