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A Timeline Of Being Late To Work

Traffic

6:58 – 7:15am: Hit “snooze” on the back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back alarms you’ve set for yourself.

7:16am: Fall back asleep.

8:45am: Wake up in a sweat, leap out of your bed like a pole vaulter and sprint to the bathroom.

8:46 – 8:49am: Shower, but only wash your hair.

8:55am: Put on wrinkled dress shirt, slacks. Hope that your body heat releases the wrinkles.

9:00am: Have a panic attack after getting stuck in rush hour traffic. Consider taking the next exit and booking it to Mexico.

9:30am: Finally arrive at work, sneak in through the back of the building.

9:32am: Somebody brought in bagels for the whole office. Only one stale whole wheat bagel left though, and no cream cheese.

9:33am: Eat dry bagel in shame at your desk as your adrenaline wears off and you begin to realize that the extra hour-and-a-half of sleep you got did you no good.

9:45am: Begin to relax as it seems no one has noticed that you were a half-hour late.

10:00am: Your boss buzzes you at your desk. Have another panic attack.

10:01am: Formulate excuses for being late on the walk to your boss’s office.

10:02am: Settle on “traffic was a mess.”

10:05am: Your boss isn’t buying it. Get lectured on punctuality.

10:15am – Lunch: Overwhelming guilt and anxiety.

12:15 – 1:00pm: Drown your sorrows in a Chili’s Triple Dipper and a margarita. You earned it. You worked out twice last week.

1:30pm: Those southwest egg rolls rejuvenated you, and you turn into a productivity freak.

2:00pm: Your blood sugar levels come crashing down to earth like a shitty paper plane. You consider pulling a Constanza.

2:30 – 3:00pm: Bathroom nap.

3:00 – 4:30pm: Bang out some work and go to the afternoon staff meeting.

4:30 – 5:00pm: Get verbally subtweeted by your boss for a half hour in front of the entire office.

5:15pm: Drive home. Stuck in traffic again.

5:45pm: Finally get home. Arrive to judging eyes from your roommates.

6:00 – 7:15pm: Update your resume and polish your LinkedIn profile, just in case.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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