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A Summer Guide To Manscaping

JP09

It’s that time of year again. The taste of margaritas, the feel of ocean spray on your face, the smell of cookouts and craft beer–summer is almost here. But summer isn’t all fun and games. With the grass and weeds growing wildly from the spring bloom and summer showers, it’s important to keep the shrubbery under control. I’m not talking about the bushes outside, guys. I’m talking about YOUR bush, all the way from your chest pubes down to your ball fro.

The same way a well-landscaped front yard enhances the curb appeal of a house, you need to properly trim your hedges to ensure that no visitors perceive your property as inferior to that of your neighbor. Just as with a home, you might as well put up a “Keep Out” sign on the front gate if you are going to let the grass and weeds grow freely like those outside a creepy house in a horror movie.

There are several reasons to landscape and properly maintain your front lawn. First of all, as I mentioned earlier, any guests who you wish to visit will feel more welcome, even impressed, if your courtyard is well kempt. Women are quickly deterred by unkempt bushes and weeds growing out of control–it’s just too much for them to wade through. You don’t want them to have to cut through that brush with a machete and risk having a John Wayne Bobbitt-type incident occur. Another reason to take control of your plant life is that it simply makes you look bigger. If you put the Empire State Building in the center of a small town instead of surrounding it with other large buildings, would it not look more imposing? Exactly. A simple trimming of the hedges and cutting of the grass could make you look less like an average joe and more like Dirk Diggler. The final reason to clean up your walkway is simple hygiene. Who knows what’s living in that jungle. Earthworms? Leeches? Snakes? Maybe something worse, like a coastal shrubbery full of crabs? You don’t want Jameis Winston reaching down your pants, do you?

Manscaping really isn’t the toughest job in the world. Just like mowing a lawn, you have to watch out for the curbs and make sure you don’t cut the grass too short. We’re not scorching the Earth here, and I’d never recommend a slash and burn. You just want a nice trim so everything looks neat and well-groomed.

As a disclaimer, I do not recommend putting anything sharp near your manhood. Anything you do will be at your own risk. I’m not a licensed professional in the bush-trimming profession. Just don’t be an idiot.

Now, first of all, remember the importance of cleanliness–it’s right next to godliness. Spread out an old towel or tarp (choose the latter if your family has Mediterranean bloodlines) you are getting ready to throw away. When people mow their lawns, they don’t want to leave large piles of trimmed grass all over the place. There are a few options depending on what kind of shrubbery you are working with. I’m no botanist by any means, but I’d imagine it ranges anywhere from bermuda grass to magnolias. For the larger plants, I recommend using simple scissors and lightly trimming everything down to a reasonable length, probably a centimeter at most. The surrounding regions are the easy part, and you might want to use a multi-blade shaver designed for “sensitive skin” to reign in the sheer acreage your foliage may cover. Too many trees on the perimeter distract the eye. Now, the hardest part of manscaping is trimming any vines that swirl up your redwood. This, however, is crucial to the process–no girl wants to be flossing while she’s down there. I recommend using hair conditioner (yes, hair conditioner) to prep the area for yard work. Don’t rinse off the conditioner until you are finished. It will make the vines easier to cut and it will also lubricate the area so you don’t skin the bark off the tree. Now, stretch out the tree and, very lightly, use a safe, multi-blade razor on the weed-infested areas. Don’t use a straight razor, because that’s just insane. You should hardly put any pressure on it. You don’t want any casualties.

Once you’re finished, voilà! Everything should be nice, trimmed, neat, and ready for its debut on HGTV. If you’re 40 or older, maybe you can even showcase it on Bob Vila’s “This Old House.”

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5OClockShadow

"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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