Columns

A Step-by-Step Guide To Becoming A Trophy Wife

Real-Housewives-of-Miami

As with every other aspiring trophy wife, it didn’t start this way. I had dreams. I had goals. I had an overly optimistic major that didn’t coincide with my lifestyle of drinking all night, skipping class, and not being able to pass Biology 101. My original plans were to get a really impressive piece of paper declaring that I had won at life, marry for love, and allow my parents to go to sleep at night with a sense of pride and contentment for having succeeded in the role at “life adviser.”

Unfortunately, due to a lack of motivation and tolerance for tequila, I graduated from a mediocre university with a mediocre at best degree, which led me to accept my new life goal of being a Stepford wife. From my vast research and observations, I am happy to present a step-by-step trophy wife guide for attractive (and not to mention, modest) ladies, because really, that’s our best bet for the future.

  1. Major in something far too optimistic, like molecular biology or mechanical engineering.
  2. Bonus points if it has a “pre-” in it, thus setting you up for even more years of school that you’ll inevitably back out of.
  3. Fail a 100-level science class and choose between four years of studying books or four years of studying different guys’ headboards. (Hint: choose headboards.)
  4. Change your major to something involving communications, which makes your four years and thousands of dollars of debt basically pointless.
  5. Spend your college days hanging out with mid- to top-tier sorority sisters who went in on an unlimited monthly tanning package with you.
  6. Take a solemn vow to never go two weeks without a manicure or pedicure.
  7. Go to the gym like it’s your job–because looking good IS your job.
  8. Get a trust fund boyfriend or an older gentleman who’s a CPA, a doctor, or a lawyer who likes you for your…personality.
  9. Graduate with a subpar GPA and a high tolerance for binge drinking.
  10. Get a piece of paper stating that you have a bachelor’s in knowing how to talk, which is something we are genetically programmed to learn at the age of two. (Disclaimer: I don’t know the age that babies actually start talking, due to the fact that infants terrify me.)
  11. Move in with your successful boyfriend in a virtually rent-free (for you, at least) Upper East Side apartment.
  12. Get a job in public relations or as a morning blow job giver to your rich boyfriend.
  13. Get a dog. A very small dog.
  14. Purchase outfits for your very small dog to wear to different events.
  15. Bring your very small dog to events.
  16. Pick out a Tiffany’s princess cut ring and casually leave the website open on your successful boyfriend’s computer.
  17. Get an apron.
  18. Bake pies, naked (well, except for wearing your new apron) in heels for your boyfriend. Bonus points if you wear pearls, too.
  19. Act surprised when he gets down on one knee and presents you with a little blue box, despite the fact that you’ve already seen the box and tried on the ring a dozen times when you were doing your daily snoop through his stuff while he was at work.
  20. Hire a wedding planner, preferably JLo.
  21. Make sure the wedding is the social event of the summer.
  22. Flat out refuse to sign the prenup.
  23. Honeymoon in someplace exotic like Italy, France, or a Sandals resort in Jamaica.
  24. Insist on hiring a maid once you’re married, even though you stay home all day to “do the housework.”
  25. Wear makeup when you go into labor.
  26. Dress your children like Abercrombie models from their birth.
  27. Make sure your son wears a fedora at an early age.
  28. Be blonde.
  29. Make sure you don’t accept the idea of an “allowance” and spend as much as you’d like with hubby’s magical credit card.
  30. Stop having sex with said husband after he gets mad about your excessive (his words, not mine) spending.
  31. Fight over little things, like the fact that he thinks you spend all of his money, or that you two have stopped having sex.
  32. Decide that this “just isn’t working” and end the relationship in a long, drawn out divorce.
  33. Complete steps 16-32 multiple times until you’re no longer hot and actually have to remain married and/or get a job.
  34. Realize that money can’t buy you love. Unless it’s A LOT of money. Then yeah. It can buy you love. Or at least sex from someone hot who will pretend to love you. And THAT is the American way.

Email this to a friend

Rachel Varina

if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there.

12 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More