The following program is a Cox Sports exclusive.
Announcer 1: Hi, I’m Bob Frostas, and I’m here with my esteemed colleague, Jowel Michaels. Jowel, this looks like it’s going to be a hell of a day.
Jowel: That’s right, Bob. Today is the first day of upper management’s implementation of the new quality management system, and the employees of Blunder-Kiffin Paper Shredder Company are going to have their work cut out for them.
Bob: Today they’re really going to have to rely on the leadership of superstar Branch Manager Michael Rotch.
Jowel: Yes, Mike Rotch is a true superstar within the company. When he was a sales rep, he moved more paper shredders than the Justice Department supply staff. Alright, it’s 8 a.m. Let’s get ready for kickoff.
Bob: Well, Jowel, oddly enough for a day like today, not even half the team has shown up yet. That’s not a good sign. Today’s the kind of day you want to start as early as possible, especially because you won’t want to miss happy hour at Mickey McFinnegan’s Irish Pub. Gosh, that hurts.
Jowel: Well, let’s look at our lineup so far. We have Jill Broni from accounting, and over there hogging the coffee machine, yet again, are sales reps John Crockton and Serena Killems. Still no sign of customer service rep Richard Hertz or HR rep Brock Erspaniel.
Bob: That’s a big loss, Jowel. Customer service is key today, and HR will sure as hell have to put out fires.
Jowel: Hold on, Bob–in comes Brock Erspaniel with the big save! He has two dozen donuts and a 96 oz box of coffee from Krispy Kreme. What a guy. This is why he’s a clutch player for this team, Bob.
Bob: No doubt that Brock is an important member of this squad, and that was one of the best plays you’ll see all week. Let’s go to John Gladden to break the play down. John?
John: Well Bob, if–if you look at people who eat food and…and…and, uh, drink coffee, there’s a good chance they eat donuts and coffee. Donuts, you know, have, uh, sugar, and with the caffeine it gives you, um, energy and…and you just can’t ask for more than that when you’re hungry and tired, you know?
Bob: Thank you for that insight, John. Let’s get back to the game.
Jowel: Well, it looks like Brock’s power play really gave his team momentum going into the half. They’ve gotten through all their morning emails, and Jill Broni beat her old record in Fratty Bird. This is an excellent start to the work day. In comes Mike Rotch to pass out step-by-step instructions to each department so they can conform to the new system. Damn, this kid is something special, isn’t he, Bob?
Bob: That’s right, Jowel. You know, his high school teacher said he used to be so prepared for class, he probably could have taught it better than she did. She got fired not long after that.
Jowel: What a kid.
Bob: Okay, it looks like the team is taking the field for the second half.
Jowel: Wait, it looks like Richard Hertz is running to the bathroom! Mike told me during the pregame that Dick’s quesarito addiction was eventually going to catch up to him.
Bob: Well, it sure has. Dick Hertz is going to be out for at least a series–probably more. This isn’t the first time he’s been out with abdominal discomfort.
Jowel: John Crockton and Serena Killems have been awfully quiet today. If they want to keep their starting jobs, they better up their production. Mike Rotch is itching to increase sales.
Bob: Well, John’s been on the phone all day trying to track down some paper shredders shipping to the BATF’s office. You don’t want to piss off this customer and get audited.
Jowel: No, no you don’t, Bob. John’s probably crapping his pants right now, and Serena’s having to pick up the slack covering his other accounts. Boy, is she going to give him some shit later.
Bob: Speaking of shit, here comes Richard Hertz out of the bathroom and back into the game! It’s about time. They really needed him, and it’s already 4 p.m. This is why Mike is planning on enacting a “No Cell Phones in the Bathroom” policy, Jowel. There’s just no telling who’s wasting time playing Angry Birds.
Jowel: I just don’t know how they do it, Bob. I get so puckered playing that game I squeeze out diamonds.
Bob: Well, it looks like Crockton is passing his logistical nightmare off to Dick so he can finish up his sales calls for the day. He had better hurry–they’re approaching the 30-minute warning.
Jowel: It looks like he’s going for the power play and calling his biggest potential client for paper shredders: Moscow.
Bob: That’s right, ever since the Ukraine invasion, Putin has been stocking up on staff and paper shredders. Who knows what he’s covering up?
Jowel: It doesn’t matter, Bob. Crockton has his eyes on the bonus and is on the phone with the Russian embassy to connect him with a buyer in Moscow. Will he make it?
Bob: He’s cutting it close.
Jowel: Oh. My. Lord. He nailed it! Un-be-lievable.
Bob: Nothing like closing out the game with a soft purchase order and the contact information of the main buyer for the Kremlin’s office supplies. This play is going to be remembered for days to come.
Jowel: And the whole team is rallying around John, mostly because he offered to buy everyone a drink at happy hour.
Bob: Way to go, kid. I see him doing big things at the next level.
Jowel: And now Dick’s back in the john.