I’m going to my first wedding this Saturday. I know, you’re asking yourself how a 24-year-old has never been to a wedding before, and the answer is foreign parents and immature friends. Both my parents moved to this country by themselves, and therefore, I have very few local family members whose weddings I could attend. Seriously, our Thanksgivings are like eight people (you wouldn’t know it by looking at the food, though. #Italians). As for my friends getting married, well, let’s just say my crew isn’t the most ready to settle down. My buddy referred to his current girlfriend of eight months as “the girl I’m hooking up with” until about two weeks ago.
Fortunately, one of my relatively new Chicago friends proposed to his girlfriend last year, and I was honored to accept an invite to the wedding. In preparation for the big day, I have been researching advice on attending weddings, and of course committing Will’s Take On Wedding Etiquette to memory as my guide for the big day. One thing I did not know about weddings is how serious the gift giving was. I’ve been researching “most popular registry gifts” for the past week, and all I can think about is how I would react to these gifts as a single guy. Below are my comments on Brit+Co’s 20 Registry Must Haves.
1. Calphalon 5-Quart Enamel Cast Iron Dutch Oven ($100)
I’ll be honest, I was not aware a Dutch Oven was a real thing outside of a tasteless, immature prank that I still regularly pull on girls that sleep over. I wonder why I’m single. As far as I can tell, this is just a pot but made of ceramic and overpriced by $60.
Preferred gift: A $100 gift card to a steakhouse. That’s a better meal than I can hope to make in this thing.
2. Threshold Acacia 8-bottle Wine Rack ($35)
Although this is a tasteful rack, I’m not exactly at the point in my life where I have eight unopened bottles of wine I need to store. I’m not much of a wine drinker, so I would probably use this to hold the handles of Jameson and Bombay that are currently sitting on top of my fridge, which would somehow make my apartment even less classy.
Preferred gift: Actual bottles of wine. I want to get more into wine, but I’m never going to buy it on my own. Help me out.
3. Coleman Multi-Purpose LED Lantern ($40)
Honestly, I’d love to get this as a gift. Although I don’t get out into the wilderness much since moving to Chicago, I’d take some incentive to get the boys together and go camping (read: blackout in the woods). I trust anything made by Coleman, and from what I remember from the camping trips I hated as a kid, these lanterns were clutch if you wanted to stay up past like 8 p.m.
4. Stoneware Coffee Mugs, Set of 4 ($16)
I don’t drink coffee, but other than that, this seems like a solid gift. However, If you’re just buying the newlyweds a couple mugs for their big day, you’re a grade-A cheapskate.
Preferred gift: I dunno, like two Moscow Mules at the bar for the same price.
5. Crosley Cruiser Turntable ($80)
As much as I would love to have a record player in my living room and call myself an “audiophile” (like the rest of the world doesn’t love music, get over yourself hipsters), this would get used like ten times in my life. Also, I’m not about to find a record store and purchase my music in a 30-year-old format from now on. I listen to pretty much exclusively country and EDM, and I don’t think either of those will be easy to find in vinyl. I’ll just keep my Spotify premium account and that thing would just gather dust in the corner.
Preferred gift: An old school boombox so I can put out the fucking vibe at the beach all summer.
6. STOK Gridiron Portable Gas Grill ($128)
The product blurb says it’s the “The ideal grill for on-the-go BBQs, [and] a great option for camping, tailgating or picnicking in the park,” so this will fit perfectly into my lifestyle. It seems the only things I have in common with newlyweds is a love of pretending to rough it outdoors.
7. Ninja Professional Blender ($140)
First of all, are all other blenders maintaining their amateur status for the blender Olympics or something? What makes this “professional?” Is it the $140 price tag? Nothing used to mush fruit should cost more than a grill that cooks meat. I don’t think I have ever used a blender in my life (margarita on the rocks or GTFO), and I can’t imagine getting much use out of this.
Preferred gift: Nice Tequila and margarita mix, now that that’s all I can think of.
8. Coupe 16-Piece Dinnerware Set in White ($60)
I would never use more than maybe two of these if I’m cooking (secretly putting pre-made food on plates) to impress a girl. I doubt being married means hosting weekly dinner parties, but I’m sure the happy couple will enjoy wasting an entire cupboard on something they use three times a year.
Preferred gift: Some nice whiskey stones would get a lot more use.
9. 10-Piece Black Non-Stick Cookware Set ($150)
Given that my current cookware set cost me $48 and is somehow made of a material that even butter sticks to, I would actually really enjoy this gift.
10. Waterproof Camera ($350)
Just drop the extra $50 and get me a GoPro. It does everything this camera does, but with the added bonus that I can strap it to my head/beer/dog and rack up the likes on Instagram.
Preferred gift: A GoPro.
11. Acacia Wood Cake Stand ($30).
If you just let me light thirty dollars on fire I would get more enjoyment out of that gift than this. I don’t bake cakes, and if I did, you best believe I would eat them out of the pan (what do you make cakes in?) while watching reruns of Bob’s Burgers hungover on a Sunday. I’ve never seen a cake stand used outside of boutique bakeries, and they somehow look out of place even there. Preferred gift: A cake, no stand necessary.
12. Enamel Cast Iron Grill Pan And Press ($100)
I’m not going to lie, this looks pretty cool. My Jewish mother was very protective of the kitchen growing up, so I never learned the skills required to know how to use this, but I want to find out. I’m hoping it makes Paninis. If so, I’m about this gift.
13. Beats By Dre Headphones ($170)
This is the first item on this list that makes more sense for me than for a wedding gift. Would the couple share one pair of headphones? Would you have to buy two matching sets? Would they look like huge toolsheds wearing matching headphones during a workout? I only know the answer to the last question. Although these wouldn’t be my preferred brand of headphone, I would happily take these as a gift.
14. Herringbone Bath Towels ($10 and up)
I’m intrigued to know how far up these go in price. Do they have deluxe towels with better drying technology? Either way, these are towels, and I shower 2-3 times a day so I’d take these. Lame wedding gift, though.
15. Acacia Fan Shaped Woodboard ($30)
Goddamn it, more unnecessary shit made out of Acacia. Granted, that is a beautiful wood, but I don’t need a special serving tray to eat my frozen pizza off of. I’m pretty sure this serving tray is actually larger than the coffee table I eat 90% of my meals on, and that would just look ridiculous.
Preferred gift: A breakfast in bed tray. That’s something I could get behind, and it would save me a fortune in laundry costs.
16. Baking Stone Pizza Making Set ($29)
I originally was going to email my dad the link to this item for my next birthday present, but then I realized I would use this one time, make the world’s worst pizza, angrily order myself Papa John’s, and never use this again.
Preferred gift: $29 worth of pizza/mozz sticks.
17. Safevieh Bar Cart ($300)
I don’t want this bar cart. I need this bar cart. I’ll be in the ad agency world soon, and if Mad Men taught me anything, it’s that whoever has the dopest bar cart in their office gets to sleep with the hottest secretary. This is a must have, and I’m adding it to my Christmas wish list.
18. King Sized Sweater Blanket ($40)
Uhh, fuck yeah, I’ll take this. This is actually perfect for single people since I won’t have to deal with anyone trying to hog it or shove their cold toes under me to warm them up. I’m imagining myself all bundled up in this, with Game Of Thrones on TV, just telling my Sunday Scaries to go fuck itself. Maybe it is worth it to get married just for these gifts after all.
19. Brother International Sewing Machine ($150)
Never mind. Just when I thought this list was onto something, they throw this shit at me. What kind of present actively makes your life harder? If I got this, I would feel obligated to tailor/repair my own clothes, which would result in shittier clothes and me having to learn a skill I don’t want. I only have a limited memory capacity. If I have to learn how to sew, I’m probably going to lose the brain space holding the knowledge on how to shotgun a beer or tap a keg, and I guarantee I use those skills a lot more.
Preferred gift: I don’t need anything else. Just don’t get me a sewing machine. That is a present by itself.
20. Fitbit ($130)
Like the headphones, I’m not sure how or why you would get these for someone’s wedding. If anything, this will be used to catch a cheating spouse by monitoring their movements and heart rate. I also do not want this because I once wore one during sex which it counted as 38 steps. I don’t need a machine preying on my insecurities like that.
Preferred gift: I’ll take an actual $130 watch that doesn’t stalk me instead.
Man, I can’t wait for my wedding when I get a bunch of shit I don’t want and won’t use. .
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