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A Review Of “Gone Girl” From A Guy Who Hasn’t Seen It Yet

What is there to say about Hollywood’s newest box office smash, “Gone Girl”?

No, seriously, I’m asking. I haven’t seen it yet, and I want to know what there is to say about it.

Now, before you click away from this review to read a review from “a guy who has already seen it” who may or may not be a “professional movie critic,” please note that I am 30 pages into reading the book. So, I’m not completely clueless when it comes to this movie.

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“Gone Girl” stars Ben Affleck (“Argo,” “Daredevil,” “Reindeer Games”) as Nick Dunne, who is the main character of the movie (and he’s the main character at least 30 pages into the book, too). The movie also stars that chick from “Jack Reacher” (“Jack Reacher,” “Fracture,” “Pride and Prejudice”). I’m pretty sure she plays the girl who is gone. I’m also pretty sure that Ben Affleck’s character and “Jack Reacher” girl are married.

The movie takes place in Missouri. I know this because I have family in Missouri, and I remember them talking about the movie being filmed there. According to IMDb, the movie is directed by David Fincher. He’s the guy who directed “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo,” “The Social Network,” “Zodiac,” and a bunch of other movies with extremely dim lighting. I’m not calling David Fincher’s movies dark, but even managers of The Melting Pot restaurants are like, “Let’s turn up the lights a little bit, Fincher.”

“Gone Girl” also features a strong supporting cast. I know this from watching the previews. According to the 30-second trailer that airs during every football game, Neil Patrick Harris (“How I Met Your Mother,” “Doogie Houser,” host of, like, every Tony Awards) is in the movie, and he plays a character who is all serious and stuff. As a big “HIMYM” fan, it’ll be hard for me to watch him be serious for more than four minutes without at least one self-high-five. This film also stars Tyler Perry (“Diary Of A Mad Black Woman,” “Madea Goes To Jail,” “Madea Saves Christmas,” “Madea Goes To Camp,” “Madea Scared Stupid,” every other movie ever) which is weird, because the movie’s title isn’t “Tyler Perry Presents Gone Girl.” Right? I’m just going to assume Tyler Perry is in the cast, because somewhere in the movie, there is a sassy, black grandma spitting out crazy, quotable lines.

I feel like I should also point out that I heard a commercial on the radio the other day about this movie and Ben Affleck said something like, “I was framed!” So, clearly, he’s the Roger Rabbit of this movie. If he did something wrong to Jackie Reacher, it would be the worst thing he’s done to a woman on screen since refusing to propose to Jennifer Aniston in “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

“Gone Girl” is a real coming-of-age film. No, I’m kidding. I don’t even know what that means. But, I will say that this film left me with a lot of questions. Yes, I’m sure most of my questions will be answered when I finally see the movie, but still, “Gone Girl” left me with a lot of questions. Like, why is the girl gone? Does she ever return? Is this movie just a two and a half-hour-long episode of “Law & Order”? Why is the font in the book so small? Will I finish the book before “Gone Girl” hits Redbox? Why did Redbox raise its prices from $1.00 to $1.29?

The movie’s length is two hours and 29 minutes, which, in my opinion, should be more than enough time to find anyone. I mean, if Liam Neeson can lose his daughter on another continent and get her back within an hour and a half, surely Ben Affleck can find Jane Reacher in rural Missouri.

Spoiler alert from a guy who doesn’t know how this movie ends: word on the street is that “Gone Girl” has a twist ending. My guess is the girl isn’t gone, but instead, everyone else is gone and the girl was there the whole time. Or, the twist might be that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time in this movie, too! It has to be one or the other.

I will say this, though. Even though I haven’t seen it yet, I can already say that “Gone Girl” isn’t the worst movie Ben Affleck has been in, because it’s not “Gigli.”

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Austin Huff

Austin wears pants every day. He is also the founder of KorkedBats.com.

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