I haven’t had a Lunchable since I was in middle school. I don’t understand people my age who still eat these things. I saw someone tweeting the other day about how much they loved heating up pizza Lunchables in their microwave acting like it was some sort of goddamn delicacy. This was an adult, mind you. Someone who is more than capable of just ordering a real live pizza. They’re fucking gross. I was always a big fan of my mom making me turkey sandwich before school with a Ziploc of chips. But obviously, that didn’t happen every day. Lunchables happened on days when my mom and dad didn’t have time to make me and my sister lunch before work. We sure as shit couldn’t be asked, as 10-year-olds, to make our own lunches. Preposterous. But it got me thinking about school lunch so here’s a list of some of the garbage you more than likely shoveled into your mouth from ages 5-13 years old.
Lunchables Turkey and Cheddar
The Turkey and Cheddar Lunchables are the GOAT, in my opinion. No frills, just meat, cheese, and crackers, baby. I personally thought they could have given you a larger piece of candy but I guess a fun size crunch bar is better than nothing. A Lunchables Turkey and Cheddar gives you clout amongst your peers at an elementary school lunch table. Yeah, I know you’re not the cock of the walk with a Turkey and Cheddar. You’re not the kid with leftover pizza from home or that asshole who would have his mom bring him McDonalds every day. But you also weren’t the chump with a PB and J and a school milk. You roll in with a Turkey and Cheddar Lunchable, maybe a Capri Sun Strawberry Kiwi Roarin’ Waters, and a Ziploc full of peanut butter filled pretzels, you’re golden. That’s a lunch-and-a-half right there.
Lunchables Mini Burgers or Hot Dogs
Everyone had a kid at their lunch table who would eat anything for the right price. If you and your boys could scrounge up three or four bucks between you, this kid would drink a Powerade bottle full of mashed potatoes, milk, Cheetos — literally anything you could concoct he would eat if you gave him some money. Well, that’s the kid that was rolling into lunch at 10:45 a.m. with Lunchables Mini Burgers. You have to be an abject psychopath to enjoy eating these things. I think if you came up to 10-year-old me and offered me a Lunchables mini burger box I’d opt for no lunch at all. So gross. Just imagine the beef that was in those things. Mad cow disease, anyone?
P.S. How dumb was it that school administrators were making us eat lunch before 11:00 a.m.? This is school, not prison. I’m not going to be hungry for a turkey sandwich and potato chips before noon. Like, yeah, let’s feed these kids an hour and half after they’ve arrived at school. There’s no way they’ll be hungry again by noon!
Lunchables Ultimate Nachos Mega Pack
Woah, move over for the goddamn King of England. You bring an ultimate nachos mega pack to school and you’re basically treated as an adult at the lunch table. You’ve got some government cheese sauce, salsa that more than likely was not approved by the FDA, and a can of pop! Do you ever remember kids in your elementary school bringing pop in their lunches? No, of course, you don’t. Because that would be a death wish. Imagine a couple hundred kids drinking bootleg RC-Colas ripping around the school at 11:00 in the morning. It’d be anarchy. Which is probably why this particular Lunchable was like ten bucks and you rarely saw them unless there was a field trip or some other faux-special occasion like a birthday.
Fire up the outrage machine. EVERYONE likes Lunchables pizza, right? Wrong, because I definitely do not. Please explain what is so good about a piece of bread, some lukewarm marinara, three pepperonis (four, if you’re lucky), and a handful of mozzarella cheese? I get that a child’s palette isn’t very evolved but I can’t believe I ever willingly wanted to eat this abomination of a lunch. I think it was all in the packaging because when you’re at the store with Mom the Lunchables quite literally jump off the shelf at you.
In hindsight, I probably should have just eaten more school lunches as a kid. There were obviously days when I would opt for “hot lunch” over something from home (say Dominos Pizza Fridays or Rotisserie chicken/mashed potatoes) but they were few and far between. That stuff always looked so unappetizing to me. The transition from elementary school lunches to middle and high school lunches was HUGE by the way. My high school didn’t allow us to leave for lunch, but by cafeteria standards they had a hook up. Basket of fries, maybe some bosco sticks, and lemon-lime Powerade. Book it. Every day of the week. If I ate that menu everyday now I’d look like the Michelin Man. .
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