A Recap Of “The Bachelor” From A Guy

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It’s finally here: the nineteenth season of The Bachelor, and it couldn’t have come a moment too soon, because I finally got that “On The Wings of Love” song out of my head.

Please Note: This post contains spoilers and insight from a guy. If either of these reasons make you want to click away, do so now. If not, let’s go!

This season’s bachelor is Chris Soules, and guess what? He’s a farmer from Arlington, Iowa. If you didn’t know that coming in, don’t worry. Every segment of the show will remind you. In fact, ABC has already begun calling him Prince Farming, which is extremely punny and a lot better than the nicknames I had for him: Iowa Rose To You, The Darling Son of Arlington, or America’s Plowboy. Personally, I really like that last one, because for the whole season, we could refer to the bachelor mansion as the plowboy mansion.

Usually, Iowa has to wait for an election year to garner this much attention — but not this year, thanks to Chris. We’re only one episode in, and we’ve already gotten our fair share of obligatory shots of him standing in a field of crops, opening doors to large silos, and carrying shovels over his shoulder like baseball bats. He made it clear that he’s sacrificing working the harvest to be here. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I bet it’s important.

Don’t get me wrong, Farmer Chris is a great guy. He’s definitely a step up from Juan Pablo, but then again, that’s not saying much. Even Gaston from Beauty and the Beast would be a step up from Juan Pablo.

Enough about Chris, though. Let’s meet a few of the women.

Meet Jillian. She’s a national news producer from DC who can dead lift more weight than you. She’s a strong woman, both figuratively and literally. Unfortunately, Jillian talks about working out more than Tierra talks about her “sparkle.” Seriously. “Jillian, will you accept this rose?” “Wait, did I tell you that I’m training for a half ironman?”

Meet Amanda, or as I like to call her, Yikes. Amanda is a ballet teacher. Right off the bat, we knew Amanda was crazy, because before we even got to know her, the producers decided to inform us that she still lives with her mom. Producers don’t usually drop that bombshell right away, unless you’re 100 percent cray-cray. If you fast-forward twenty years, you can imagine her still being single, surrounded by fourteen cats in a living room full of piled-up TV dinners.

Meet Tara. She’s a sports fishing enthusiast from Ft. Lauderdale. If that doesn’t scream wife material, I don’t know what does. Tara hopped out of the limo wearing Daisy Dukes and a whole country getup, telling Chris, “This is the real me. I didn’t want to change for you.” But after walking inside the mansion and getting judged by the rest of the women, she literally changed into a dress. She then snuck back into the limo to “meet” Chris again, because she was determined to make an awkward second first impression. Here’s another little fun fact about Tara: she drinks like a fish. Actually, saying Tara likes to drink would be like saying ABC likes to occasionally mention that Chris is a farmer.

Meet Mackenzie. She has a young son named Kale. You would think that only a total hippie would name her son Kale. Oh wait, I forgot to add that Mackenzie is a total hippie. Later in the night, while talking with Chris, she asked him about what they grow on his farm. He named some things and she then asked, “Is it all organic?” giving us yet our second sign that she’s a total hippie. Don’t be surprised if you find out she doesn’t shave her armpits, too.

Meet Ashley S., a hair stylist from Brooklyn, New York. The first impression of Ashley was that she was cute, sweet, and — wait, did she just put a penny in Chris’ shoe? It was then when Ashley started going off the rails. For the next two hours, she just kept stealing Chris away from women and talking about onions. I hope she stays, just for the sake of getting #OnionGirl trending on Twitter.

Meet Reegan. She sells cadaver tissue and lives in California, or as Chris calls it, Cowlifornia…because he’s a farmer. Reegan brought a cooler, and unfortunately for Tara, it wasn’t full of beer. Instead, Reegan’s cooler was filled with a fake human heart. Just some advice, ladies, never bring a guy a human heart when meeting him for the first time on a blind date. Unless, of course, he was in a severe car wreck on the way to the date and needs an organ transplant to survive. Then it’s okay.

Those are this week’s main girls, but many girls had ridiculous entrances. I found it ironic that the only redhead in the entire group wore a pig nose, because she felt she needed something to help her stand out. One girl came in singing, holding a karaoke machine and wearing a dress that the cast of Pleasantville would’ve envied. Another girl brought a sign and wore a short dress made out of the lace from my grandma’s bed’s dust ruffle. Oh, and of course, Amanda had the craziest entrance by not allowing Chris to see her and whispering in his ear that she’s his “secret admirer.” I bet Amanda’s roommate (read: her mom) drew that one up.

After a night of partying, Chris Harrison walked in to begin the rose ceremony, which is the moment in the show when we learn which of these girls have RBF (resting bitch face). The rose ceremony is full of heavy breathing, eye rolling, subtle fist pumps, and Farmer Chris walking out midway through. Wait, what? Yeah.

Throughout the night, Tara had a little too much to drink. In fact, even John Belushi in “Animal House” would’ve said she had a hard time holding her liquor. During the rose ceremony, she began swaying, breathing heavily, mumbling words, and tossing out a hiccup or two. This became evident. You could tell, because Chris gave her a couple “I’m going to wait here until you’re quiet” looks, like your teacher used to give the troublemaker during class in grade school. Midway through handing out the roses, Chris walked out. He told Chris Harrison that he was going to give Tara a rose, but he just wasn’t so sure anymore. “It’s 100 percent up to you,” the host told him. Thanks for the sound advice, Chris Harrison. Farmer Chris walked out and began handing out roses again.

Gia, will you accept this rose? “Yes!”
Kelsey, will you accept this rose? “Of course.”
Whitney, will you accept this rose? “Yes, thank you!”
Carly, will you accept this rose? ♫ “YES!” ♫
Jillian, will you accept this rose? “Do you even lift, bro?”
Tara, will you accept this rose? (Yes, he still gave her one.) *hiccup* “Sure.”
Mackenzie, will you accept this rose? “Is it organic?”

A few of the women who were sent home included pig nose, fake human heart, Amanda’s mom’s roommate (AKA Amanda), and Kimberly. “Wait, who is Kimberly?” you ask. Well, like ten other women, Kimberly didn’t get a rose. However, that didn’t stop Kimmy from leaving her post-not-getting-a-rose interview and walking back into the mansion to talk to Farmer Chris. What did she say? Well, that’s where Chris Harrison stepped in and told us we have to wait until next week. Screw you, Chris Harrison. I mean, I love you, but I don’t have to like you right now.

Until next week…

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