It’s probably a good thing that the day after the Super Bowl isn’t a national holiday, because that would ultimately mean a week without The Bachelor. One could argue that Bachelor Mondays are a lot like Super Bowl Sundays. There are many similarities, especially this week. Both had crazy endings. Both took place in the middle of a southwestern desert. Both featured an uber-amount of cleave. (What’s up, Katy Perry and Megan?) And finally, both featured someone who we haven’t seen in a long time. (Shout out to Missy Elliott and Jordan.) In fact, this week’s episode of The Bachelor was a depressing Nationwide commercial away from being Super Bowl XLIX.
Let’s get to it.
The First One-On-One Date
This week’s episode took place in Santa Fe, because…well, actually, I can’t think of a reason why. Every year, they go to the most exotic locations in the world, and this year, they chose to go to the second-largest city in New Mexico. This is like that summer when your parents announced that your family would be ditching the annual week-long trip to Disney World for a weekend trip to Holiday World in Santa Claus, Indiana, in an effort to save money.
The first one-on-one date was with Carly, the cruise ship singer from Arlington. Chris and Carly visited a “love guru,” and it was nearly as worthless as the Mike Myers movie of the same name.
This love guru date put Chris and Carly in an extremely awkward position, both figuratively and literally. This was their first date together, and Chris was forced to reach between Carly’s thighs while she was bent over. They were also asked to make humming noises, open each other’s mouths, and caress chocolate-covered fruit over each other’s faces. Even Cirque du Soleil performers felt like this date was a little weird.
The love guru instructed the couple to “unmask their clothes,” which, in love guru terminology, means “Get naked, y’all!” It was at this moment that Carly and Chris realized this wasn’t a love guru and was, instead, a sex guru. Suddenly, the “let’s come together” date card made a lot more sense.
The sex guru stood there and watched with an uncomfortably large smile on her face as Carly removed Chris’s shirt. Chris had the largest boobs in the room, which didn’t help with the date’s awkwardness. Carly was then instructed to remove Chris’s pants. She started to pull them down and stopped, because she was uncomfortable, as were we all.
So, the sex guru instead had Carly straddle Chris’s lap while they both breathed on each other, because this was, in some way, less awkward. After the date, Chris mentioned, “I’m excited to take this relationship [with Carly] to the next level,” which is impossible, because I’m pretty sure what they did with the sex guru already took things to the highest level.
Kelsey Might Be A Serial Killer
After the awkward dryhumpapalooza between Carly and Chris, we cut back to the rest of the girls back at the Buffalo Thunder Casino. Kelsey began opening up about her story with a few other girls.
At the beginning of this season, Kelsey was many girls’ favorite. She was sweet, she had short hair (girls love short hair on girls) and she was sweet. Those are really the only three traits a girl needs for other girls to love her. However, I wasn’t sold. I felt like something was unsettling. In the season premiere, she mentioned that her husband passed away just a year and a half earlier. That seems too soon. Not too soon to find love again, but too soon to find love on national TV. My unsettling feeling for Kelsey only grew from there.
As Kelsey told her story, one of the girls asked her how her husband died. “Oh, what is it called?” she replied. “Oh yeah…congestive heart failure.”
I’m sorry, but your husband died — fairly recently, I’ll add — and you can’t remember what he died from? You know who else has trouble remembering what their spouses died from? Serial killers. Seems to me like Kelsey’s husband might have died from wife-inflicted stab wounds, and Kelsey just needed a second to make up something.
Meanwhile, at the end of Carly and Chris’s one-on-one date, the two were cuddling in front of a fire. Carly admitted that she hasn’t been physical with someone in about a year and a half, which is ironic, because that’s around the time when Kelsey’s husband died, and ohmygahhhh — that’s it! Kelsey obviously caught her husband in bed with Carly before murdering the crap out of him. It all makes sense.
The Group Date
This week’s group date card read, “I am rapidly falling in love,” which instantly made everyone think of white water rafting, mainly because there is literally nothing else to do in Santa Fe. Megan seemed a little worried about the adventure. “This river could be full of alligators or dead bodies. Who knows?” she said, which seemed like a weird thought until you realized she also thought New Mexico was its own country.
Before hitting the river, the white water rafting guide gave the group a horrific speech about how easy it is for one of them to die while heading downstream. Ashley I. was especially scared, because she didn’t want to fall out and have the river wash off one of her six layers of makeup. “I wouldn’t worry about that,” the tour guide said. “You’ve got it caked on pretty solid. Niagara Falls couldn’t wash that off your face,” to which Megan responded, “Ah, Niagara Falls. I love Hawaii!”
Side note: Friends of mine refer to Ashley I. as a Kard-Ashley-an, which is perfect.
Jade fell out of her raft, which was absolutely terrifying, not because of the death warnings the river guide gave, but because she apparently has a disease where her body falls into hypothermia at temperatures it shouldn’t. I believe the medical term for this disease is “an easy way to get Chris to rub your feet-thermia.” It’s very serious…and sensual.
Kelsey hated that Jade was getting extra attention. She can’t help it, Kelsey! It’s a real-life medical disease! Read a science book once in a while! The first part of the group date ended shortly after Chris rubbed Jade’s foot. Oddly, I didn’t see the tour guide once after they got out of the rafts, so I’m just assuming Kelsey murdered him, too.
Jordan Pulls A Kimberly
That night, back at the hotel, the girls waited patiently for Chris to show up for the second part of their group date. Ashley I. used this time to apply another layer of makeup. As Chris was walking down to meet them, he ran into Jordan. Remember Jordan? She was the designated drunk from week two, before being eliminated. She told Chris she drove down to Santa Fe from Colorado. (Given how drunk she was the last time we saw her, I hope someone else drove her.) She pleaded for a second chance.
Chris escorted Jordan into the room with the other women. They were thrilled to see Jordan — the same way Jennifer Aniston is thrilled to see Angelina Jolie’s face plastered on the covers of every magazine in the grocery store checkout line. After bering berated by each girl individually for even considering bringing Jordan back, Chris decided to make her leave. Again.
As Jordan said her goodbyes, Kelsey whispered in her ear, “I’ll always admire you,” which is something only serial killers whisper into other people’s ears. It was seriously creepy. In fact, it probably would’ve been less chilling had she just whispered, “I want to wear your skin.”
The Second One-on-One Date
Back at the hotel, Carly and Britt were the only two people in the suite and were awkwardly cuddled up on the smallest chair in the room. As if it couldn’t get more awkward, it was in this cuddled up position that Carly learned Britt never showers. Luckily for Carly, the date card showed up, giving her an excuse to hop up and dust herself off.
The date card, addressed to Britt, read, “The sky’s the limit.” My initial thought was, “Oh, sweet. They’re bringing back Pilot Jake from the ‘On The Wings of Love’ season to fly them around,” but instead, they just hopped into a hot air balloon and floated above the dying plants and barren desert of breathtaking New Mexico. Britt claimed, “It was so beautiful. It was like The Land Before Time,” which may or may not be a compliment when you consider The Land Before Time is all about dinosaurs fleeing their homeland because everything is dry and dying.
After the hot air balloon, Chris and Britt went back to his hotel room and “napped” for two hours, the same way your mommy and daddy “napped” before making you.
Isn’t Kelsey’s Story Amazing?
A while later, Kelsey managed to get away from the girls and sneak over to Chris’s room, like a serial killer would. She felt it was necessary to tell Chris about her past. “Finally, a confession!” the FBI hoped while watching this episode. Tears filled her eyes as she told Chris that she was once married and her husband died suddenly from a heart problem that she can never remember the name of. What made it weird was that during a confessional interview, she portrayed a different tone. “Isn’t my story amazing?” she said with a maniacal smile. “It’s tragic, but amazing!” I have a feeling that the only people who think Kelsey’s story is amazing are Kelsey and Nationwide’s advertising team.
So, Samantha Is A Thing
Samantha said her first words of the entire season this week. In fact, not only did she say something, but a camera cut to her not once, but twice. I imagine she spent the entire week on the phone with her friends and family saying, “Did you see me on TV? I said something on the show this week!” Congratulations, Samantha!
The Cocktail Party That Wasn’t
As the girls gathered for the rose ceremony, Chris informed the girls that Kelsey stopped by his room earlier. He then gave a speech about something that really didn’t make much sense, got emotional, and walked out. This led to Kelsey, with tears in her eyes, giving an emotional yet cliché speech about how “time is precious,” and how “if you believe it, you can achieve it,” and how “if the shoe fits, wear it,” and how “a penny saved is a penny earned.” It was moving. Afterward, Britt leaned into her and whispered, “Your pumps look great,” which, at first, I thought was just a timely Deflategate joke, but I quickly realized she was commenting on Kelsey’s shoes, because Kelsey responded, “Thank you. I know.”
Chris Harrison walked into the room and informed the girls that there would be no cocktail party, because Chris Soules was outside pouting like a little girl — but we all know that the real reason the cocktail party was canceled was because Jordan drank all the booze before she left. Again.
Kelsey felt like it was her fault the cocktail party was canceled, so she walked out of the room. Moments later, we heard noises that resembled a hog giving birth. As it turned out, it was just Kelsey on the ground, moaning. Not sure what caused her to fall, but all I know is that none of the girls got up to check on her…LOL.
The Rose Ceremony That Wasn’t
The show cut to a “To Be Continued…” screen before we even had a rose ceremony. I know, right? I was really looking forward to the rose ceremony.
Until next week….
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