Allow me to begin this week’s recap by apologizing for missing the past two weeks. However, I have a legit excuse.
Apparently Kelsey read the things I wrote about her here, here, here, and pretty much everywhere else on the internet. She was not pleased. Two weeks ago, I awoke shivering in a cold, damp basement, which I later learned to be underneath Kelsey’s house. I had no food, no water, and worst of all for any Bachelor fan, no wine.
I had to sit there and listen to Kelsey rattle off fake panic attacks and talk of how amazing her story was for fifteen days straight, which should be punishment for insurance fraud in some countries. Luckily, I was able to escape and get right back to making fun of her on the internet, just in time for the season nineteen finale of The Bachelor.
Disclaimer: If for some reason this post goes unfinished, Kelsey found me and I’m probably already dead. Please tell my family I love them.
The show opened up with Chris Harrison informing us that tonight’s episode was a three-hour special. I’m sorry, THREE hours?! Is this The Bachelor or a James Cameron movie? I better grab another sleeve of Fig Newtons and settle in. I’m going to be here a while.
The episode started with the obligatory shot of Chris walking by himself in an open field. Normally, I bet the producers have to set these shots up manually, but here, they probably just told Chris to do whatever he does for fun on a normal day in Iowa.
Chris’ voiceover claimed, “I don’t know who I’m going to pick.” Dang. I was really hoping he would’ve known, just to save us a lot of time and Fig Newts.
Whitney Meets The Soules
From the moment Whitney got out of the car, you could tell she was so excited to be in Iowa, which was weird, because no one’s been that excited to be in Iowa since those baseball players in Field of Dreams. She walked in and hugged Chris’s family tighter than they probably wanted to be hugged for the first time. As they sat down together to talk with her, Whitney began telling them about their trip to her hometown and how they “made babies together.” She really loves that joke.
As Whitney’s time with Chris’s family wound down, Chris’s sisters sat Chris down to talk with him. They admitted that their main concern was that Chris had trouble articulating his feelings for Whitney. However, if they would’ve seen one episode this season, they would’ve known that their brother is worse at articulating words than a broken McDonald’s drive-thru speaker.
While his sisters were off wondering why their farmer brother from middle-of-nowhere Iowa couldn’t articulate his feelings for a girl as well as Nicholas Sparks, Chris’s mom sat down with Whitney to ask her how she truly feels about her son.
Side note: Chris’s mom’s name is Linda, which is probably the most Arlington thing about his family.
As Chris took Whitney outside to say goodbye, she couldn’t stop saying “I love you.” Seriously, it was kind of awkward. She was like a broken push-to-speak Valentine’s Day teddy bear. We get it, Whit. You love him.
Becca Meets The Soules
I’ll be honest. I did not see this whole “Becca” thing happening. I didn’t even notice her until the hometown dates episode. I was more aware of Samantha, who still has yet to appear on screen for more than two seconds consecutively, than I was of Becca. Becca is like the George Mason of this year’s Bachelor bracket. No one saw her going this far. I bet Becca’s parents didn’t even think she would make it this far.
Becca sat down for what appeared to be Thanksgiving dinner with Chris’s family. The group started talking about Arlington, and Becca just started killing it with her middle-of-nowhere Arlington material. The jokes about the post office had everyone in stitches. It made me wonder if she was spending a night at the farm or a night at improv.
Chris’s sisters later sat down with Chris again. They warned him that he doesn’t even know if Becca loves him or not since she has yet to say it, while Whitney has. However, in Becca’s defense, no one says “I love you” more than Whitney. Whitney is to “I love you,” as Lil’ Jon is to “yeah,” Matthew McConaughey is to “alright,” and Jon Gosselin is to “Do you know who I am?”
Side note: Could you imagine if Chris brought Jade home and had a one-on-one conversation with Linda? Linda: “So, I hear you used to pose for pictures in nudie mags?” Jade: “Yeah…you wanna see them?”
Becca’s Final Date
That night, Chris and Becca had a heart-to-heart conversation, where she expressed her concern of moving to Arlington and having nothing to do. Chris then replied, “You can walk by yourself in an open field. That’s what I do for fun.”
Becca knew that moving to Arlington would mean she would have to give up her budding standup comedy career. Just the thought of her throwing away all those brilliant post office jokes made her sick to her stomach.
Whitney’s Final Date
At the beginning of the episode, when Chris Harrison said this episode of The Bachelor would feature something that “we’ve never seen before,” I think he was referring to a person being as excited to harvest corn as Whitney was on her final date with Chris.
Whitney knows how to say all the right things, although sometimes, they can subtly come across as rude. She would say things like, “I’m excited for a boring and domestic life,” and “Like your hair, Chris, we gel more than we probably should.”
The Final Rose
This is the one scene of The Bachelor which you could overlap from every season and it would be the same montage shot by shot. Bachelor wakes up. Bachelor immediately opens curtains before putting a shirt on, because who needs shirts? The girls sit alone in their room or outside looking off into the distance, probably wondering how long the producers are going to make them sit there. Then Neil Lane walks in with a briefcase looking like he’s ready to make a drug deal.
This season’s final rose setting was set up in a barn, in case you forgot Chris was a farmer. The place was decorated with lights, candles, and strategically placed bales of hay. It looked like every hipster wedding ever and/or a Lumineers video.
The limos were on their way.
Now, this may come as a surprise to those of you reading this, but I am no expert of The Bachelor. However, in my few seasons of watching the show, I’ve learned that the first person out of the limo is usually the one who gets rejected. So if I was one of the girls, I’d take so long putting on my makeup and try to be as late as possible so the other car shows up first. It’s that simple. Hashtag BachelorTips.
The first girl out of the limo was — dramatic pause — Becca.
Becca walked up to Chris and he gave her the ole rope-a-dope. He buttered her up by saying how he could see himself marrying her, how great she was, and how in love with her he was. But then he was like, “SIKE!” And Becca’s smile faded faster than Ashley S.’s attention during a conversation in the middle of an onion patch.
Props to Becca. She took it well. She was probably thinking, “At least I don’t have to spend another night in freezing Arlington.”
The second girl out of the limo was — dramatic pause — Whitney.
Before Chris gave his spiel, Whitney took the floor in what appeared to be an attempt to filibuster. I don’t think she knew how this worked. She was nervous and shaking.
Chris then dropped to a knee.
Not to ruin a beautiful moment, but Whitney still reminds me of that chick from Gone Girl. So if we later hear a story of how Chris Soules potentially “murdered” his wife or Whitney was snubbed of an Academy Award, we’ll know that she was, in fact, the chick from Gone Girl.
After The Rose
The “drama” in the LIVE After The Rose Special was like Chris Soules’s upper lip. There was none.
The only other takeaways from After The Rose were that Ashley S. is still super awkward and will appear on Bachelor In Paradise, which is basically the Real World/Road Rules Challenge for The Bachelor and The Bachelorette contestants. Also, we learned that the next bachelorette will be Kaitlyn (yay!) and Britt (what the?!). Apparently they’re going to compete to see who will be the true bachelorette, by seeing who can wear the most sparkly dress.
Until next season….
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