As you’re hastily packing for your Labor Day weekend getaway, you might fully intend to include all your seersucker, linen and white ensembles to get full use out of them – but let’s face it you’re going to be on the beach or on a roof all weekend, covered in either beer or barbecue sauce for most of it.
Instead, pack the below because you should only trust yourself with the necessities like the Eagle Scout you never became.
- Enough liquor so you don’t have to buy reinforcements from the overpriced beach shops.
- Sunscreen because you should only be eating lobster, not looking like one.
- A razor because you should only be drunkenly chasing crabs, not getting them.
- Advil and multiple water bottles because blacking out from day drinking on the beach is no joke.
- Enough meat to engorge yourself with the entire weekend that will make your ancestors proud.
- A spare battery case for your phone because you’re going to spend half the weekend Snapchatting videos of yourself day drinking to remind others that you still, indeed, can have fun.
- A champagne bucket so you can look like an ass while completing the ASL ice bucket challenge.
- Chicks – multiple bikinis and all of your white clothing to emphasize your “purity.”
- Dudes – multiple tanks and 3” inseam shorts to emphasize your “enthusiasm.”
- The stuff to make guacamole, because everyone loves the person who can make guacamole.
- Adderall, so you don’t eat all the guacamole.
- Industrial strength flasks that can withstand your drunkenly falling over ocean rocks.
- Gauzy, seductive beach cover-ups that will make you feel better in front of all the co-ed’s running around in thong bikinis.
- Enough liquor to forget you should be eating a footlong sandwich when you’re shirtless for the next three days.
- Buckets for drunkenly building sand castles – because you’re so desperate for any piece of real estate you can call your own.
- Hot sauce and mustard because they’re the condiments with 0 calories and totally counteract all the BBQ you’re going to be eating.
- Your crappy sandals because you know you’re going to lose them running in the dunes from the cops.
- Floaties because you should never drink and swim.