A Realistic Gym Schedule

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Everyone is all about gym days now, at least according to Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and probably Google Plus, but I don’t think anyone has used that since before the invention of the telephone. The strange thing is, the entire country is not in Mr. and Mrs. Universe shape, so I’m assuming there’s a big disconnect here–probably somewhere between physically standing in the gym and actually doing a productive workout.

As a result, I came up with what the average person’s realistic weekly gym schedule looks like. It isn’t pretty, so maybe we should step up our games before we all look like the people in “Wall-E” 50 years down the line. I’m just as guilty of this as the rest of us, especially when it’s been a crazy week at work or there’s a new episode of “American Horror Story.” “AHS: Freak Show” always makes me feel better about my recent lack of physical activity.

Monday

  • Ten leg raises at your desk, by which I mean getting up and sitting down that many times throughout the day.
  • A few minutes of lackluster stretching between lunch and your afternoon nap/email session.
  • Lunch from Chipotle, to work out the digestive system.
  • A light jog to the conference room when you realize you’re late for a meeting.
  • Several Twitter posts about how you plan on going to the gym that night after work, with no intention of actually stepping foot in a gym before Wednesday.
  • An Instagram #MCM of some dude who looks like he eats nothing but fiber, iron, and protein and has fashioned it into a physique that makes The Rock look like a prepubescent boy.

Tuesday

  • Five sets of sit-ups as you try and convince yourself to get out of bed and go to work instead of calling in “sick” because you have a big project due in two days.
  • Several curls with your grocery bags full of foods you probably should have given up around the time that your parents packing lunch stopped being a thing. Fruit Roll-Ups were the ’90s. Let them go, because they’re gone.
  • A couple toe touches as you pick up change you dropped on the way to the vending machine in the kitchen at work. There’s protein in a Snickers bar, right?

Wednesday

  • A 1,200-foot walk with the dog, stopping for breaks. Not for the dog, but for you.
  • One pull-up on a door-mounted pull-up bar that has seen more use as a coat hanger than a piece of exercise equipment.
  • An actual trip to the gym, to gather photos for your Facebook and Instagram. Fifteen minutes will be spent actually working out, counting water breaks.
  • A #WCW photo of a Brazillian supermodel who may or may not have been flawlessly created by God while high on whatever gods get high on. For girls, there will be workout goals as well.
  • A few laps swimming around your bathtub to get in a good aquatic workout.

Thursday

  • Throwback Thursday to undergrad, when you actually went to the gym. Attempts can be made to pass off a several year old photo as a gym picture. After all, if you didn’t take a gym selfie, did you even lift, bro?
  • Between five and 10 push-ups as you try and keep from falling over or onto things on the way out of a happy hour that turned into a full-on night out.
  • More sit-ups, because the room is still spinning from happy hour and your 100 percent normal bed feels like a water bed.
  • Low calorie whiskey and/or vodka diet for the day.

Friday, Saturday, And Sunday

  • HA! Like you would ever go to the gym on a weekend.
  • Sex with someone you met at the bar. Sex is a great aerobic workout. You’ll shed that weight in no time, especially when you start losing all the weight from that syphilis.

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