“I got a lot of problems with you people and now you’re gonna hear about it!” – Frank Costanza
Let’s get this out of the way real quick before wedding season sneaks up on us in the next month and a half. As a gigantic fan of wedding season and all the pomp and pageantry that comes with it, I feel the need to set the record straight on a few things.
Bride and bridesmaids stopping the whole goddamn show to do pushups on the dance floor
We now move on to feats of strength. I don’t get this one? Yeah, I know they all did bridal boot camp a total of three times in the six months leading up to the wedding, but what’s this all about? What are you trying to prove? Congratulations. You can do pushups. I’ve been banging out reps in the pump shack with Tony Horton for the last three weeks to squeeze into this tux, so let a real man step in and show you how to swing. Chest to deck, military-style, diamond cutters, dive bombers, you name it. I get to show off my waning athletic prowess no more than five times a year, so let me have this one.
Look, I’m good with this one now. A few years ago, when I didn’t know how a basic annual budget worked, it might have been a different story. I don’t think you’re an asshole if you decide to book it to Puerto Vallarta for a small ceremony and five days of R & R. In fact, I welcome it. Especially when us and most of our friends can actually afford stuff like this. Well, can you ever truly afford stuff like this? I mean, it’s not like that $1,800 I’m spending on plane, hotel, gift and dope new linen suit could be safely accruing interest in a tax-deferred mutual fund? If I have to retire a month later than I have already planned, it’s your ass. If you’re not dead by then, I’ll kill you myself. Next order of business.
Fake laughing pictures
*rubs hands together*
Oh yeah, now we’re talkin’. I’m already having a good time. You know what would make this not a good time? The $400 an hour photog who thinks she’s shooting the Urban Outfitters fall catalog telling me to act like someone just said something really funny. Hey, lady, my friends and I are hilarious. Did you not see us absolutely wrecking shop at the rehearsal dinner? We’ll laugh when we damn well please. You telling us what to do isn’t “candid.” Read a book just once for me. If you were actually doing your job instead of staging some sort of Men’s Wearhouse stock photo bonanza, you might actually catch us enjoying each other’s company. I just straightened the groom’s tux. I flashed a million dollar smile while making the nervous ring bearer giggle. Those were prime 100+ like cover photo material and you blew it. You should be paying me for all the Instagram gold I’m laying at your feet.
Guest list complainers
I’d like to take a moment to give the bridal party a well deserved breather. Look, I’ve been through enough of these things at this point to tell you that you’ve earned it. Now, let’s all stop complaining about not getting invited to stuff. They didn’t forget you on accident. Sorry you’re a shitty friend, or just straight up not a close enough friend. Haven’t seen them in over a year? Sorry, pour yourself a glass of self pity and longingly watch all those dance floor snap stories. Maybe you should have made more of an effort to go visit them last summer.
This, my friends, is where battle lines are drawn. If I hear one complaint about how your three-month boyfriend didn’t get invited to the wedding, I’m gonna burn down the fantasy world that you and your little boyfriend live in. Welcome to the fucking show. A plus one is serious business. We all know how this one’s gonna end up. You will be sitting on his lap, drunk, weirdly staring at the first dance and sneaking off into a coat closet during the speeches. You’re still in the honeymoon phase and every couple at this blessed event is deep in the cruel game of love. You can bear to stand one night alone without your Tinder bf.
Easily the sweetest part of the wedding. This tugs at my heartstrings every single time. Just a beautiful moment between a girl and her dad, on what’s sure to be the happiest day of her life. She’s stunning, a woman that this man has raised and taught her everything she needs to know about being a good person. He’s taught her patience, kindness, hard work and humor. She’s the total package. And now you’re going to wreck every single thing I just said by dancing to “I Loved Her First” by Heartland, which is far and away the creepiest song in recorded human history. Here’s a sampling of the lyrics:
“I knew the love of a father runs deep
Look at the two of you, dancing that way
So be careful when you hold my girl
I loved her first”
I’m sorry, you what now? Some serious Donald/Ivanka undertones going on there. Let’s respect the boundaries between dad love and husband love, two entirely and appropriately different types of love. Why don’t we just pump the brakes, Daddy-O? Let’s keep this one light. Maybe some “The Way You Look Tonight” or “What a Wonderful World.” Yeah, that’s good. Let’s not let our minds wander to places we don’t want it to go.
This concludes the airing of grievances. Let’s all have plenty of fun out here this season. Stick to our diets. Keep that body tight. Don’t forget to RSVP on time. .