Today, an exclusive video of corner office all-star Richard Hertz was released showing him, allegedly blackout drunk, shmoney dancing and doing shots out of an undisclosed female coworker’s cleavage. Several other allegations have been made, prompting Mr. Hertz to call for a press conference to respond to these allegations. He has just taken the stand–wrapped in a blanket, wearing sunglasses, chugging ice water, and rubbing ice cubes on his forehead. Let’s tune in and see what he has to say.
Richard Hertz: I don’t really have an opening statement. I’m hungover as hell. Can we just get to the Q&A? My head feels like I was in an elevator with Ray Rice last night.
Q: Okay, we can get started. Are the allegations true that you, in fact, got blackout drunk last night and performed a series of perversions?
RH: I wouldn’t exactly say I was drunk. And could you be more specific about these “perversions”?
Q: Eyewitness accounts say that you funneled Fireball, did shots out of your receptionist’s cleavage, “shmoney” danced, urinated in the bar bathroom sink, and then walked around aimlessly with a random, pink boa around your neck asking if someone could take you to Chipotle.
RH: What the fuck is “shmoney” dancing?
Q: …So do you not deny these actions?
RH: Deny them? I have no recollection of any of those events last night. Next question.
Q: Did you engage in sexual intercourse last night?
RH: Possibly. Um, I mean, I can’t be 100 percent sure.
Q: Sources say you were seen arriving at your apartment at 2 a.m. with a hard four.
RH: Well, she was a soft nine last night. I do remember that. And I was a hard 5.5 to six, if you know what I mean.
Q: Reports also say a pair of earrings and a Kate Spade necklace were found on your bedroom floor. Is that correct?
RH: Yes, and I’m probably going to sell them on eBay, in all honesty.
Q: You’re not going to try to find who they belong to?
RH: No one was in my bed this morning, so I’m pretty sure at that point, I have the right to claim eminent domain.
Q: Er…okay. Was there any evidence of condom use?
RH: What the hell is this? “CSI”? Do I need to give you a semen sample? To be honest, “no glove, no love” isn’t always my policy, especially on Fireball night.
Q: Terrifying. How do you think the fallout from this night of irresponsibility will affect your performance in the workplace?
RH: “Irresponsibility”? Geez, tough crowd here. I highly doubt it will have a POSITIVE affect on my work performance this week, if that’s what you’re asking. I’m relatively sure I killed a noticeable number of brain cells last night.
Q: Why did you wait so long to address the events that occurred last night? Why did you wait until this iPhone video came out? Didn’t you feel the need to notify the public of your mistakes and take responsibility for your actions?
RH: What? Responsibility? No way. Are you nuts?
RH: Any more questions? No? Good. Now get the hell out of my living room.
**Richard pukes on the podium, waddles toward the couch, and curls up in the fetal position on the floor.**
Let’s go back to ESPN headquarters for a breakdown and analysis..