My favorite neighborhood bar is… how do I put this… bougie AF. It’s an upscale sports bar that has a fantastic brunch buffet (sushi, oysters, DJ, and bottle service anyone?) and surprisingly good drinks when you consider the complete shitshow it becomes after all the games are over. We take Sunday Funday very seriously in D.C., and nowhere do people brunch harder than the former frat boys of my neighborhood in Arlington.
The fact that I was “day” drinking until 10 p.m. last night is probably why I was completely unphased and unsurprised when I saw this headline from my favorite neighborhood watering hole this morning: “Police Tase Suspect in Pikachu Onesie During Brawl Outside A-Town Bar & Grill.”
Per ARL Now:
The incident happened around 9 p.m. on the 1000 block of N. Randolph Street. According to police, it started when the man in the Pikachu costume, Steven Goodwine, Jr., tried to pick a fight with the bouncers at A-Town after being kicked out of the bar’s weekly “Sunday Funday” festivities.
Goodwine “became aggressive with the door staff and Mr. Reid attempted to intervene,” according to what may be the longest item ever on an Arlington County Police Department daily crime report.
Here’s what I like to imagine happened to create this truly inspired police takedown straight out of 21 Jump Street.
Themed bar crawls are a constant fixture in the yuppie corridor I live in. I suspect that Steven (Steve?), the gentleman in question, had been in attendance at one of these soirees and just wasn’t ready to stop partying. Steve spent hours picking out the perfect Pikachu onesie with just the right amount of fluff and the most lubricated zipper for ease of access for when he was drunk later. His friends tried to get him to go home after the last bar, but there was no way he was going to go home alone without giving some lucky lady the chance to catch ‘em all.
These bar crawls frequently offer “unlimited” alcohol for a fixed fee, so Steve probably decided to try his luck one last time as the bar crawl hours wound down at A-Town, which is known for its delicious flatbreads and mac & cheese balls. Steve sat down, carefully moving his Pikachu tail to the side to avoid crushing it, and slurred at the waiter to bring him another beer, while waving his plastic orange mug at her to indicate he was part of the bar crawl. The waiter agreed, but looked skeptical as she retreated to the bar to confer with the bartender.
Meanwhile, a table of blonde girls all named Lauren or Megan caught Steve’s eye. He tried to scoot his chair towards them to strike up a conversation only to catch his tail under a chair leg, causing him to topple over. It was definitely because of his tail and not because he was completely obliterated from six hours of drinking. The Laurens and Megans were not impressed and quickly huddled their chairs together to box him out.
“Sir,” came a firm voice above him. “Sir. We’re going to have to ask you to leave,” his waiter had seen everything.
“No way,” Steve insisted. “You never even brought me my beer!”
“Sir, you’ve been overserved. I can’t bring you an alcoholic beverage and you’re disturbing the other patrons.”
“Fine, but I’m going because I want to, not because you told me to,” Steve attempted to garble out while righting himself.
He thought that making a dramatic exit would help him regain some of the dignity he had lost with the Laurens and Megans, so he stood up and pulled his Pikachu hood up indignantly as if putting on a particularly stylish hat for emphasis. He turned to leave and swished his tail behind him for good measure. Unfortunately, there was some glassware in the way of his tail that had clearly just been moved to get in his way, and a champagne flute flew to the floor.
Steve’s confidence was shattered along with the glass, and he decided to hightail it out of there upon seeing the waiter’s irate expression. He pushed his way past dozens of Laurens and Megans and Brads and Mikes to the door, where he threw open the large glass door and stumbled into the bouncers stationed immediately outside.
“Watch where you’re going,” Steve snapped at the bouncer, who had a finger pressed to his ear piece. The bouncer’s expression changed as some communication from inside made its way over the airwaves.
“Sir, were you just getting aggressive with one of the waitresses inside?” the bouncer asked, eyebrow raised.
“No, that wasn’t me,” Steve deflected, trying to walk away. The bouncer stepped in his path.
“Are you saying I’m confusing you for someone else wearing a Pikachu onesie right now?” the bouncer asked.
“Yeah, lots of people wear them all the time. It’s not a crime. Get out of my way man,” Steve tried to walk forward but unfortunately, the sidewalk came out of nowhere to trip him, causing him to shove the bouncer squarely in the chest.
The bouncer decided that Steve needed to be restrained, but Steve wasn’t having it, so he decided to use his most advanced Pikachu moves to fight back. Unfortunately for Steve-achu, a police officer was standing close by, monitoring the altercation and rushed over. Steve heard the police officer yelling things at him but he was on a roll and he was going to impress the crowd of Laurens and Megans that had gathered at the entrance with his feats of strength.
With a primal yell, he lunged at the police officer, attempting to put him in a choke hold to show him who was boss. Suddenly, everything stopped. Steve felt lightheaded. His hearing went fuzzy and it sounded like he was listening to the world from inside a fish bowl, or a particularly powerful Pokeball. He looked down to see two wires protruding from his stomach. He saw that the curly wires were attached to a small box held by the partner of the police officer he had attempted to rush.
Suddenly, Steve felt his strength give out along with his legs. In what seemed like slow motion, Steve crashed to his knees, arms thrown out to his sides, palms facing up. He felt like he was in a lightning storm: electrified, but also electrocuted. He felt the upper half of his body begin to fold towards the ground. He looked to the heavens as he fell, arms still outstretched, and wailed to lament the demise of his fresh new Pikachu onesie and his Sunday Funday.
As he fully hit the ground, the two officers flipped him on his stomach and cuffed his hands behind his back. Steve was roughly hauled to his wobbly feet as onlookers stared open mouthed in disbelief. I’m not sure exactly what Steve said to the officers as they escorted him to their waiting squad car and read him his rights, but I like to think it was something along the lines of, “Pika pika!”
Steve, along with another partygoer, were taken into custody at the Arlington County Detention Facility on No Bond. Ladies and gentlemen, the next time you’re drinking in your onesie, pour one out for Steve. He soared high and he burned bright on this Sunday Funday, but he flew too close to the sun. Cheers to you, Steve. .
[via ARL Now]